Let it Snow

We woke up to a white Christmas and well, the rest was just perfect.

Wishing you love, laughter, patience, acceptance, good health and peace of mind and heart in 2013.

Trying to Make Sense of the Incomprehensible

Tonight the girls wanted to talk about Sandy Hook.  They had many questions but mainly they wanted to know why the man did what he did.  I explained to my 7 and 5 year old that he was a very sick man, that his brain was very confused, like scrambled eggs.  He wasn’t thinking normally and if he had been he never would have hurt those people.

Caroline said he should have told his mommy that his brain was mixed up and that he needed help.

Loretta said she thought his brain was so mixed up he didn’t even know he wasn’t thinking “straight”.

Caroline wanted to know why he killed himself and Loretta said it was because he didn’t want to go to jail.  Caroline said that didn’t make sense because jail is better than dead.

So I said again that he wasn’t thinking normally and that he went there to hurt as many people as he could and as soon as he heard the police sirens and knew the “good guys” were coming he killed himself and we may never understand why.  That’s when Caroline suggested that maybe after he hurt everyone he started thinking “straight” again and felt so bad for what he did that he killed himself.  I told her that might be the case.

Loretta mentioned that she felt so sad and sorry for everyone.  “The kids and teachers but also the man because his brain was mixed up”.  I told her I was proud of her for feeling sorry for everyone involved and that I need to and want to, but I was having a hard time b/c I feel so terrible for the people he hurt to feel bad for him. 

Caroline agreed she felt bad for him too because he would never have done it if his brain was thinking straight. 

Then we talked about the brave teachers and children, how teachers helped hide children in closets and bathrooms to keep them safe and how the good guys came so fast and prevented him from hurting even more people.  They asked, so we talked about how many children were killed, "20 – that many???", that they were all 6 and 7 years old, all first graders.  Caroline asked specifically, any 3 year olds? 4 year olds? 5? (Caroline is 5 now), any 8 year olds?  "No sweetie, they were all 6 and 7 years old."

We also talked about how they are all up in heaven now, together.  That they were friends on earth and now they have each other up in heaven too.  That heaven will be like their favorite day ever (beach days or a day building snowmen) and how they get to play with their friends all day long every day in heaven, like hide and seek.  Caroline asked, “If they’re in heaven now then they are angels?”  I let her know she was right and she said, “Angels are GREAT at hide and seek.”

After a few more minutes of this Loretta said, “I think I’m starting to hate that man”.  It was like she was reading my mind…my heart and she was likely taking her cues from me, but Caroline said very firmly, “I don’t hate him because his brain was mixed up.  I don’t like what he did, but I don’t hate him.” 

I, like so many others who have watched this tragedy unfold from afar, have been having a very hard time.  I think about what happened, the children, the parents, a thousand times a day.  I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with them on my mind and tears in my eyes.  I can’t even begin to imagine what those directly involved are going through, the parents, the first responders, the survivors.   I’ve been feeling so hopeless and heartbroken.  But tonight, with the help and wisdom of my amazing and loving children, one full of sympathy and heartfelt emotion and the other using reason to make sense of it all in her own head, I have started to feel hope again and a little peace has been restored to my heart.