double rainbow

double rainbow

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I've Gotten Good at Hiding

Kids are great for hiding behind.  You can cuddle up to them (which is nice anyway) but it also effectively hides your own body - if that's what you are trying to do.  It's what I was trying to do and I have many many pictures to prove it.  Lately, I've looked like a disembodied head floating behind various family members.  


I had really let myself lapse into a mental state where I felt like no matter how hard I tried and pushed myself I was never getting where I wanted to go, so why bother, why keep depriving myself?  At the same time though, I hadn't become accepting of my body, so I was a mess of contradictions.  I should love myself and my body because it's healthy and size doesn't matter (I'm still me), but at the same time I wasn't loving it because it just didn't feel right to me.   

The first half of last year I really worked hard to lose all the extra pounds I had put on over the baby making years and I did too.  I got down to just a few pounds of my goal weight (a healthy goal weight, recommended by my doctor).  But, I only remained there about 48 hours and I never saw that number on the scale again.  The way I had gotten there just wasn't maintainable.  I was doing 45 - 60 minute early morning workouts 6 days a week (intense, knee jarring workouts which caused problems later).  I was also running regularly, swimming once a week and lifting - all of this while keeping my calories around 1200 a day.  To make my life a little easier (b/c counting calories can be hard) I ate mostly processed foods like Lean Cuisines and Fiber One Brownies b/c the calories are right there and easy to log, I could scan the package with my phone for God's sake, how easy is that?  It seemed to be the only way to lose weight, but after awhile it just became too hard.

That's when I let it go, I thought in a healthy, self accepting way too.  After all, I can't help my genes, right?  5 lbs looks like 15 lbs on someone who is barely 5 feet tall.  So, I let it go (or so I thought) and I maintained at a reasonable weight for a couple of months, still working out regularly but not as intensely.  The problem is when I'm not actively trying to lose I gradually gain.  I have never figured out how to maintain.  I've had plenty of experience with plateaus, but sadly none, that I was at least consciously aware of, with maintenance. I found my workouts getting less and less intense, my runs very comfortable b/c I stopped pushing myself and don't even get me started with eating.  By time Halloween came around, let's just say, I had given myself a free pass and ate whatever looked good, which was a lot of candy and Christmas cookies and junk.

By time Christmas came around I knew I had reached my limit for over indulgences.  I felt terrible and I knew I needed to make a change, but I didn't know how or what change to make.  Clearly counting calories was not working for me anymore.  I had done that after each pregnancy with WW and myfitnesspal and they worked, until I got pregnant again at least.  However, it doesn't work for me for the long run.  So I decided to make some big changes.  Some may sound extreme, but they are also short term (like cutting out dairy).

I wont go into the details, but in short I'm eating clean.  No processed foods at all.  Currently I'm also not eating sugar (except naturally occurring in fruits and the occassional dark chocolate).  Also, no dairy, gluten, eggs, peanuts, soy or corn.  I've been eating this way since January 1st and definitely feel a difference.  I've also lost some weight and I'm working out doing a 25 minute workout video every day and lifting 3 times a week (just started the lifting this week).

If you had asked me a year ago to eat like this I would have laughed in your face.  No way was I giving up cheese and I eat low fat yogurt because it's GOOD for you!  A little coffee mate in your coffee never hurt anyone!  What I described above would have felt impossible to me, impossible to stick with for more than one day and miserable to do so anyway.  

To be honest, it hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  John has been a huge help, buying me organic foods and making me "on plan" dinners that help mix it up so I don't get bored.  There are tons of alternatives too, like brown rice wraps, almond milk and almond butter.  I don't crave sweets nearly as much as I use to.  I also stopped drinking coffee for the most part.  To be honest I went decaf last year so I was only drinking it out of habit b/c I loved the extra creaminess and sweetness of my coffees.  Remove those and there really was no point, so I've switched to green tea.  I do miss my creamy sweet coffee sometimes though :)

I plan to slowly start to introduce some of the things I've removed back into my diet, but I also plan to keep my diet as clean as possible too, with little to no processed foods.   I may even try to stay gluten free for awhile.  I had stomach issues going into this, I can only imagine it was from too much "healthy" yogurt, with my "healthy" granola, too much "healthy" treat options filled with artificial sweeteners and not enough veggies and good proteins. 

I don't know if this is the answer to my troubles.  I do know that since I've been eating like this I feel better, I'm losing weight without counting calories and my skin looks healthier.  Maybe this will help me reach my goal and figure out maintenance, and maybe it won't.  Maybe it's just another loop on the weight loss/gain roller coaster I've been riding for way too long.  Whatever it is, it's healthy (no harmful diet here or severe restriction of calories) and it's worth a shot.  It's also good for my family, while I'm not forcing them along on this journey with me, they see me making healthy choices and turn we started buying more healthy and organic ingredients.  

It's not about being a size 0.  It's not about body bashing (mine or anyone's).  I'm grateful for my body and my health at any size.  It's about being healthier and stronger and leaner than I am now, it's about respecting my body and finding my confidence again.  For me, I'm not there and I need to find it.

So, I guess I'm not ready to let it go after all, because I don't want to hide behind anyone or anything anymore.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Sledding

It wouldn't be winter in New England without sledding, snow angels and hot cocoa!








Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year friends near and far! Hoping your 2014 is full of love, belly laughs, achievements and wonder!