A work in progress

The Potential of Love

2012-02-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

borrowed from panathinaeos.wordpress.com

I will never miss the days when I was so ready to get married and start a family with someone I loved and of course someone who would love me back, beyond all reason. Those were tough days of wishing and hoping and doubting if it will ever happen. And when I did find the person I thought was "the one" there was that lag time between when I knew he was the one, but he wasn't moving as fast as I wanted to. Wondering if I'd made a mistake, if the time we'd spent together was, while wonderful, time lost to finding the right someone I would share the rest of my life with. Afraid I'd been barking up the wrong tree, and I realize in that metaphor I'm the impatiently barking dog and John's the stubborn unmoving tree, but if the shoe fits....

I wouldn't change where my life has brought me for anything. But, there is a small part of me that will miss never again experiencing that first, maybe, real potential here, exciting and nervous and anxious and heart stuttering first moments of falling in love.

Triple Feature

2012-01-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

I was treated to a triple feature this morning. A triple feature in the span of an hour is unusual, even with our family, so I feel obligated to share the wealth. Here is a quick recap:

Feature One was “Liar Liar Pants on Fire”. While it was well acted and the actor certainly committed to the role, the lie itself was not plausible and therefore the audience new in the opening seconds that her pants were in fact on fire. I do give her credit however, as she was determined and stayed with the lie until it’s dying breath, only then switching to pleading and begging for forgiveness. All in all, while the material was poorly contrived, the actor is a natural.

Feature Two was an oldie but goodie performance of “I’m Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’ – Telling You 'NO' Just One More Time”. The dialogue was expected, a lot of “NO”’s, and again the performance was well acted as he owned the character. I did in fact want to bruise him, repeatedly.

Feature Three was a true joy to behold. A surprising and magnificent rendition of “I Can’t Fathom Why, But I Now Must Lose My Ever Loving Mind”. This performance had everything! It was unexpected, emotionally exhausting, and physically challenging, a true Oscar worthy performance. There was foot stomping and body trembling, throat burning screams and floods of tears. The audience felt shock, confusion, disbelief, anger, and amusement all within the opening 30 seconds of this lengthy, multi-dimensional, 20 minute performance.

If you are interested in experiencing these performances yourself you’ll be pleased to know that each performance will be shown again in limited release. I can’t confirm date, time or location of these fine exhibits of raw acting power, however, I can tell you if you spend any significant time with our family you are practically assured a viewing of at least one or more of these special impromptu plays as encores appear to be a favorite of these stunning young performers.

In The Moment

2012-01-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

I love this picture, I love how each of these children are so perfectly comfortable intertwined with one another. The utter closeness it represents, the connection, the trust. The imagination and wonder of just being silly without worry of judgment. The total abandonment of self awareness.

When they get older, they’ll begin to get self conscious. They’ll worry more and more about what others think of them, their bodies, what they are doing, how they are dressed. It’s unavoidable. And when that happens they will lose a bit of the complete joy captured in this picture. My hope is to keep this loss to a minimum. To teach my children to consider, for no more than a blink of an eye, what others might think and then remember that what matters is what they already know – and to enjoy the moment, unencumbered, for everything that it is.

Sons

2012-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

There is something special about a mother and son relationship, just as I know for a fact there is something special between a father and daughter, that I can’t put my finger on. It’s not that a mother loves her sons more than her daughters, not at all, but there is something deep seeded and completely undiluted.

Perhaps the thing is, with daughters (for mothers) there is some minuscule amount (no matter how we would deny it) of wishing and hoping they don’t make the same choices we did or that they join the teams or groups we didn't, have a hidden talent we always wished for. However, with sons, that thinking isn’t applicable so there is no amount of anxiety or wishful of what could have been tethered to that love.

When we decided to go for our third child we knew there was a very real possibility we would have another girl and we would have loved that. John had convinced himself that he would be a father of three daughters and I told myself I didn't care either way. When I was pregnant with Loretta and Caroline I never once felt I knew for sure what I was going to have. I always called my bundle of joy "the baby" when I talked about them moving or kicking. But when I was pregnant with Sam, before I knew he was a boy, I was referring to him as "he" or "him" in my mind from very early on. I began to realize that secretly I really wanted a boy, but I didn't know just how desperately until 18 weeks along when we found out the sex, something we hadn't done for either girl.

I had admitted, at least to my self, that I wanted a son and decided that if there was going to be even one millisecond of disappointment if this baby was a girl I wanted it to happen mid pregnancy, not on the baby's birthday which should only be pure joy. John didn't really want to find out the sex, but supported me and almost as soon as the technician put the wand on my belly she said "it's a boy!". It was pretty easy to see since Sam was pointing at himself, practically screaming "get rid of the pink mama!". I was surprised by my own reaction to this news. I knew I wanted a son, but I had no idea just how desperately until my little man was confirmed. I sobbed with happiness, moving so much with my own laughter and tears that the woman could barely finish the exam.

I'm a daddy's girl and proud of it. I miss being close to my family so much and a girl always needs her mom, but deep down I'm a daddy's girl and I know all about that wonderfully special father/daughter connection. And it was pretty clear to me even before I got pregnant with Sam that Loretta and Caroline both were well on their way to a wonderfully special father/daughter relationship with John too. It's even more obvious now. John relates to both of them so well and on such different levels. John and Loretta are both naturally athletic and energetic. They love to be outside and explore and collect rocks and leaves. John and Caroline connect on a more emotional level. It's more subtle, but they just seem to get one another. There are times when they both just need their quiet time and sometimes Caroline pulls into the inner shelter of herself a little and when that happens it's often John who brings her back out of her shell.

I think more than anything, I wanted that connection too. Like the one I had with my dad, like the one John has with the girls, which will only grow stronger over the years. Like the one my mom has with Paul. Sam is emotional and stubborn, tender and sweet, loving and funny, destructive and adorable. He's this little man in my life who is forever sitting on my lap and loves and dotes on me, battles and defies me, teases and tests me and cheers for me like I'm a super hero. I'm completely wrapped around his grimy, car crashing, little boy finger and I love it.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T08:10:00.000-08:00

I think this might have been our best Christmas yet. It just seemed...easier, somehow. I'm not sure why, but the aggravations that usually come along with the joy of the holiday season were few and far between. We did, however, have a minor episode with holiday lights that nearly brought me to tears. You would think after three children I would have no problem understanding the female/male plug coupling requirements, but alas after stringing 12 strands of lights, somewhere in the middle I reversed the order and couldn't plug them into the outlet. As always, John saved the day (and my sanity). But other than that the holidays just felt right and simple. The pictures for the Christmas card were no trouble and we actually had too many to choose from, no stress, no tears, just fun.

Loretta and Caroline decided they needed an Elf on a Shelf and after John and I put it off long enough they volunteered our Dopey who was an excellent stand in. Loretta received an Ipod from Santa and Caroline got her pink kitchen. Sam loved his motorcycle and rides it in the house non stop. All three kids loved going shopping with their Christmas money from Grandma and Grandpa and we got to spend Christmas day at Grandma and Grandpa T's with Ed, Sharon and the kiddos. Baby Tanner is such a sweet little baby.

John and I attended a Christmas party with all of our old Shrewsbury friends and we had a tree decorating party with Becky. All in all, I think it was a wonderful holiday season with little drama and much love. I can't say as much about New Years Eve/Day, all three kids were terribly ill and I followed shortly there after, but I won't dwell on that. We are all looking forward to the exciting things that will happen this coming year. Loretta will turn 7 and begin 2nd grade, Caroline will turn 5, begin kindergarten and hopefully learn to ride a 2 wheeler, Sam will turn 3, hopefully potty train and maybe begin pre-k. John and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary and there will be trips to Ohio, The Cape and hopefully Mississippi.

2011 was very good to us and we are so thankful that we are healthy, that John and I have jobs that we love and that our kids are thriving. Welcome 2012, we hope to make you proud.

Fall Fun and Thanksgiving

2011-12-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to pop in and share a few pictures of our Fall shenanigans thus far. We've had some leaf pile jumping, indoor soccer playing, swimming (but NOT jumping off of the block), movie nights with friends, practicing writing our names, birthday partying, cookie baking, crazy days.

We spent a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving with Mom and Dad T and then met our sweet baby cousin Tanner, followed by a parade and sleepover with the big cousins. We even had a professional photographer (aka Becky and her new awesome camera).

John has had a sudden influx of Christmas spirit and Loretta got tired of waiting for us to buy an Elf on the Shelf so she assigned Dopey the Dwarf to the job. Becky helped us decorate our tree and we're all ready for Santa's visit in just a few days.

They have been busy, fun filled days which is why this post is so sort on words, but heavy on pictures. More to come soon, I promise!

Dear Facebook friends (recent additions),

2011-10-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Posted to my ever faithful Facebook friends on 10/28/2011 and re-posted here for my non Facebook friends amusement.

Thank you for inviting me to be your friend on Facebook. If I am a new addition to your list, please allow me to set some expectations for you. When I post it’s typically directed to one of two audiences. The first is what I’ll call Core Family & Friends. These are people who are genuinely interested in me and my family’s day to day life and vice versa. These are the people, who if they are far away, I think of and miss dearly and just want to remain as an active part of their life as possible. The second audience is local friends, old and new, who I’d like to stay in touch with, get to know better, and actually hang out with in real life. All others, I consider the frosting on top of my cupcake, rainbow jimmies and a cherry.

Please know that 99.9% of all updates are about me, my children, their shenanigans, my husband and exercise. Silly antics, goofy pictures and basically the sometimes predictable sometimes not of being a mother of 3 little monsters. While I can’t promise you that I won’t post about bodily functions occasionally these things come up, especially during naked run around time. If this is not what you were hoping for when you friended me, please defriend/unfriend me now. It won’t hurt my feelings and it will save you frustration later.

Now a few things I will and won’t do on FB. Please accept that while I may elect to not do these things on FB it in no way implies judgment if you do. Actually, the fact that you do is often what makes my time on FB amusing (they are often my jimmies and cherry on top).

While I don’t try to make my life out to be better than it actually is on FB, I am a positive person and highlight the good and downplay the bad. I don’t look at FB as a place to pour out my woes, cry in my (3rd cup) of coffee and hope for “hang in there” replies, it’s public for god’s sake. Take it for what it’s worth.

I have a strict policy about not getting wrapped up in political or religious debates on FB, although this does not prevent me from liking posts. If you were to actually track my likes you’ll see I have liked religious, anti-religious and political posts on a variety of contradicting view points on a regular basis. Some of my favorites are church signs that are written in such a way that they imply some sort of sexual act or criminal behavior. I don’t care who you are, those are funny!

If a post begins or ends with “Post this if…” I probably won’t post it. I love my children, my husband, my life, blah blah blah and don’t feel the need to prove it by posting some prewritten (and let’s be honest) sappy message to prove it. I will however ALWAYS like anything related to causes I care about, like the “It get’s better project” or equal marriage rights. Also, I realize that by not posting that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior on FB I may actually be denouncing him, so be it. Don’t worry my Bible belt friends, God and I have an understanding, whoever he or she may be, and it doesn’t include FB declarations.

I also have a strict policy of not posting chain letter type posts, with the only exception of those breast cancer awareness posts where I can imply some sort of sexual deviant behavior just by posting where I like to keep my purse or store my shoes. For those, I’m totally in. You may be seeing a trend here, but if not, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, there I said it.

So there you have it, with me as your friend you won’t get a steady stream of interesting articles from all over the world, hysterical YouTube videos about cats or that guy who can belt out Queen like nobody’s business or political rants (not that I don’t love getting those from you). NOT that there’s anything wrong with that. But, hopefully, you’ll get a few gems along the way that make you smile.

Family Visit

2011-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

We were so lucky this fall. We had Grandma and Grandpa visiting for 2 full weeks and Uncle Paul here for several days as well, and we had an amazing time. I won't talk about the Rugged (again) but focus on other highlights of the visit. Paul, Mom, the kids and I went to King Richard's fair, which was a ton of fun. I hadn't been in probably 8 or 9 years and it was surprisingly...the exact same. It's pretty amazing how many people really get into the Renaissance time period, visitors in full garb and dialect.

Dad got in several flying trips and Mom got her visit to the Norman Rockwell museum which I think was enjoyed by Dad too. Mom gave Sam his very first haircut (it's tradition after all, Superman cape and all) and he was an excellent little customer. Caroline wanted to get her ears pierced but in the end she chickened out and Loretta got hers done. One of the funnier moments was asking Sam to point out all of grandpa's facial parts (lips, nose, eyes, eyebrows) and then when I asked him "where is Grandpa's hair?" him looking on top of his head and craning all the way around until he found hair on his back, "Der it is!". For some reason Loretta decided it was funny to call grandpa an "old hag" the entire time, which of course was completely encouraged by us all.

Each night after I picked up the kids from daycare we would be driving home and a few houses before ours Sam would start cheering "Yea Grandpa's home!". And for their entire visit, each night at bed time, after goodnight kisses downstairs, the kids and I would head upstairs for teeth and night nights and Sam (as is his habit) calls out each person before he kisses them... Daddy, Mommy, Loretta, Caroline.....and GRANDPA! then I would say, "no silly, you already kissed Grandpa", then he would yell out GRANDMA! This little scenario played out every single night for weeks after Mom and Dad went home.

I'm pretty sad I won't be seeing everyone over the holidays this year, especially Chris, Trish and Jordan because it feels like eons since I did, but there is a possibility we'll all get together in March and I'm clinging onto that little life raft. This will be the first holiday ever, if I'm remembering correctly, that I haven't been home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't just had this fall visit with Mom, Dad and Paul I would be a complete basket case by Christmas Eve.

a few pictures...

Just Rugged Enough

2011-09-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

We have a dear friend, who will remain nameless, whose wife would often tease is “just gay enough”. I can tell you, it is a most sincere compliment. He is one of those guys that loves setting a beautiful table, using place mats and buying accent pillows (for his bachelor pad at the time), but is still a sports loving, beer loving, all around guy.

Before I started having babies, John thought I was pretty tough, mostly due to my constant TKD training. I had reached apprentice black belt before stopping because I was pregnant with Loretta. Back then I would practice my self defense and sparring techniques on John and he once said to me, “that’s great, but you couldn’t really take me down if I didn’t want you to.” Let’s just say, not only did I take him down, I nearly dislocated his shoulder. I never went back to TKD however, due to the expense, distance and truthfully bad hips from all of those round house and tornado kicks (tornado kicks were the best). And while I remained active and lost the baby weight running and swimming, I have never felt as strong as I did then. Probably never will again, but I was regularly hearing my husband call me “cupcake” and I knew he was right and I’d had enough.

I signed up for the Southwick 5k Rugged Maniac and somehow convinced John and our friend Becky to do it with me. We had an amazing time. The event took place at a motor cross racing track, completely hosed down for maximum mud effect. There were 16 obstacles including 3, 5, 7, and 15 foot walls to scale, mud pits, running through tires, mud slides, water obstacles, and my favorite – the super hero jump. It was a steep hill you ran down and at the bottom a wooden platform that you had to launch yourself off of and try to clear a mud pit below. I’ve heard there were at least 2 broken bones from that one and they closed the jump down for a portion of the race due to injuries. It was closed when John went through about 15 minutes before Becky and I, but open for us and HELL YEAH, we took that jump.

John completed the race in 36:20. He was amazing, which was no surprise to me, but I think he might have surprised himself a bit. John is naturally athletic, but he also works very hard to stay in shape and that hard work paid off, because he didn’t actually train for this race specifically. Next year he hopes to shave 2 minutes off his time.

I completed the race in 52:09 and I’m good with that. I did train, push ups and running the trail runs around the office building. Jumping up on benches and running along the curbs. My coworkers thought I was crazy, but it helped. I did every obstacle on my own with only 2 small pushes from friends to get up on the taller walls. I ran the entire race, except for when the terrain didn’t allow it. And, I finished strong. Always finish strong.

Becky finished the race at 52:10. We ran the entire race together and even took the slides together. It was so great having her there so we could motivate one another, but yes, I might have pushed a little harder at the end to beat her, I can’t help it, I’m competitive that way.

My mom, dad and little brother Paul were there to cheer us on. Because of them we were able to bring the kids along too. Paul made up these awesome shirts for everyone to wear. They were so excited for us and cheered and yelled. It was amazing seeing them all on the sidelines, having the kids watch their mom and dad get muddier than they have ever been and not being afraid of doing something tough, and having fun doing it. My dad almost ran impromptu, but it didn’t work out. I’m hoping he’ll join us next year.

I’ve shown pictures to coworkers of us at the race. I get two reactions, one is along the lines of – that’s amazing! Good for you! The second is pure confusion as to why anyone would ever want to put themselves through it. All I can say is that it took John a few days of recovery before he decided he would run again next year. Becky too, I think. But I had decided before I even crossed the finish line, smiling with a huge goofy grin. I may not have my black belt and I may not run iron man triathlons or the Boston Marathon, but I am a Rugged Maniac, and for me, that’s just rugged enough.

Happy Anniversary My Love

2011-09-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago today, I married mio amore. We had an absolutely gorgeous day, surrounded by family and friends (and complete strangers) as we exchanged our vows in Boston's historic Public Gardens. I will cherish every single moment, always.

"I Annie take you John to be my husband, from this moment on.

I vow to give and to receive, to speak and to listen,

to inspire and to respond, to respect and to cherish,

and to work with you to achieve the goals and

dreams of our lives."

My love, how are we doing so far?

10 years later

2011-09-11T06:42:00.001-07:00

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.” - Love Actually

I took this picture a few months ago while in NYC for a conference. I had time to spare so I decided to walk the 15 or so city blocks back to the train station b/c even though I live so close I never seem to get there and I wanted to experience the city. The noise, the hustle, the people, the spirit that is uniquely NY. I happened by a makeshift memorial to the victims of 911 at a construction site that had been fenced off. It was a random location, nowhere near where the towers fell, but a full half block of wire fence was packed full of hundreds of colorful handmade tiles expressing love and peace.

Today, it's been 10 years since that terrible day. I remember. I remember everything about it. The disbelief, the horrific tragedy of it. I was at work and I was looking for a coworker when I walked by one of the offices. It was a tiny office (converted closet) and it was big enough for 2 people, but there were about a dozen of us squeezed in there b/c there was an old black and white TV with rabbit ears. I walked in (not knowing what had happened) and the image on the TV was the North Tower smoking. Before I had a chance to ask the people around me what happened I watched in complete disbelief as an airplane flew directly into the South Tower. People were gasping and I whispered, "was that pilot error?". A coworker said no, that it was deliberate. Deliberate? I couldn't fathom it.

The days and weeks following that terrible day were spent heavy hearted but also in admiration. Story after story came out of the ashes of those towers and in that Pennsylvania field. Stories of courage and heroism, sadness and loss. I think the messages and last phone calls touched me the most and hardest. Our world was forever changed on that morning and I've never been more proud to be an American. Proud that when faced with the most horrendus conditions we rise above, we refuse to cower in fear, insist on celebrating love, teaching tolerance and respecting diversity.

First Days

2011-09-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

I know in this picture with my big brother I look pretty sour. I was jealous because Chris was heading off to his first day of school and he was getting all of the attention, but oh how I loved the first day of school each year when it was finally my turn. Seeing old friends and meeting new. Wondering who I would be sitting next to and where my locker would be. Everything was brand new and shinny with outrageous potential. Anything is possible with freshly sharpened #2 pencils and pristine folders in every color of the rainbow. Your cool factor could substantially increase or decrease based on your choice of backpack and brand of jeans.

I love seeing my girls getting excited over their classrooms, friends and teachers. New beginnings can be scary, if you let them, but I'm so glad Loretta and Caroline choose to think of it as a great adventure.

Happy first days girls!

Happy Birthday Sam!

2011-08-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

Our little man is 2 years old. TWO YEARS OLD! It’s so wonderful to watch him grow into this big boy with his own personality and sense of humor shining through. Sam has a way about him that is so endearing and there are so many things I love about him and this stage he is at. So, please forgive me and allow me this totally selfish mommy moment to list out a few of the many things I love about our little guy:

1) I love how, when I get him out of his crib in the morning, he squeezes his little arms around my neck and says “mommy!” and then lets out a huge sigh…and then yells “Breakfast!”

2) I love how he roars at total strangers with a huge grin on his face

3) I love how he calls out “motorcycle!” every single time we pass one on the street and how he says “motorcycle” and “cracker” exactly the same way

4) I love that he pushes the pretend baby stroller around the house, but not with a baby inside, with cars and trucks in the little seat

5) I love how he insists on trying and doing everything his big sisters can do – zero fear

6) I love that he sings with us, whatever we are singing, from “Dream a little Dream”, to “Mean” to “Price Tag”

7) I love that he’ll still sleep in my arms occasionally

8) I love that he doesn't laugh so much as he chuckles deep in his belly

9) I love that he wants me to kiss his boo boos

10) I love how his face lights up when someone he loves comes into the room and, as far as I can tell, he has yet to meet someone he doesn’t love instantly

The kids call him Bam Bam or Bammers, sometimes just Bam, and it’s such a perfect fit for him. The kid is all about running and jumping and crashing and destroying. He is all boy, through and through and I must be completely charmed by him because this weekend I was helping him put back on his shoe he’d kicked off for the 10th time and I took one look at his filthy, yard worn foot and was still tempted to kiss it!

Happy Birthday Sam! We love you like crazy!

Time for a Little Morbidity

2011-08-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Arlington National Cemetery

I have told John many times that when I die I want to be cremated and to have my ashes scattered somewhere beautiful and timeless. Beautiful, for obvious reasons; timeless, in hopes of not having a CVS or Dunkin Donuts built on top of me in the future. I have no strong religious beliefs that direct my wishes in any one way or another. Our wedding ceremony is testament to that.

I realize now that what I’ve told John I want is not entirely accurate. I do want to be cremated, not sure why I feel so strongly about that, but I don’t believe I really care where my remains are laid to rest. What I want most is for my loved ones to understand that if they ever need to feel close to me, to share their hopes or dreams or sorrows, they don’t have to visit my final resting place. They only need to look into their hearts, close their eyes and know I’m there. They need to understand that my love for them could not be contained by a single lifespan. That my joy and love for them will live forever and a day.

I recently stumbled upon this poem written by Mary Elizabeth Frye in 1932. She was inspired by a Jewish woman she knew, living with her and her husband in Chicago, whose ailing mother was back in Germany. She was unable to visit her mother due to increasing anti-semitic unrest and later when her mother passed away she was unable to visit her grave site, which caused her a great deal of pain. Like so many others, this poem struck a chord with me and described what I was unable to express myself.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

So, to clarify my wishes, if it soothes my loved ones to bury me in the ground, then I will lay happily with my worm friends, and I do have many worm friends. If it brings them comfort to scatter me to the winds, then scatter away and I’ll fly with the birds and dragonflies. Drop me into the ocean or from a hot air balloon or off a cliff. It does not matter to me. Just so they know that I’ll always be in their hearts, injecting unconditional love and encouragement, waiting with undying patience until we are together once again.

The Stigma of Contentment

2011-08-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve been feeling so many emotions lately, happiness, relief, security, pride (the good kind). Some of the feelings I haven’t had recently are, fear, concern, bitterness, helplessness. When I examine this closer I realize that what I’m feeling is contentment. Wonderful right? I love my career and the work I’m doing now is challenging and rewarding. My children are healthy and happy and growing like weeds both physically and mentally. John has found a role that excites and energizes him and with a great commute. I’m so very happy with where things are right now and I want to hit the pause button and simply enjoy.

I realize I’m not the first person to come up with the suggestion to live in the moment. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are always getting ready to live but never living”. Except, it’s more than that. There seems to be a negative connotation associated with the word contentment. Sadly, people often equate contentment to unmotivated, uninspired, indifferent, or worse...lazy. If you aren’t striving for something, newer, bigger, better, then you are not ambitious and thus not deserving of what you do have. I don't know if it's a US sentiment or more specifically for those of us living in NE, where people actually honk at you to start driving in anticipation of a green light, but I can tell you that Southerners only honk in combination with a nice head nod hello and I've never met anyone who could appreciate the present like an Italian.

I believe that contentment is highly underrated. I have goals that I hope to attain in the future, but for right now, I’m pleasantly satisfied with my life and my career. I don’t have a nagging sense that I’m inadequate or that what we have is deficient in some way. I’m proud of our achievements and while I’m enjoying the here and now I’m looking forward to the next chapter. I can stop to smell the roses, without sneezing. I’m the cat that ate the canary. I am uncompromisingly content.

Oh, how we love The Cape...

2011-08-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

Just a quick recap of our amazing Cape trip this year and a few photos. Personally, I think this was our best year yet, with the obvious exception that Mom and Dad T didn't make it. That was a big missing piece for us, but putting that aside there were so many wonderful reasons why it's my personal favorit trip to date.

1) John was with us, really with us the entire time (nearly), not in and out, not half working, with us!
2) I WAS NOT PREGNANT!!!
3) I WAS NOT BREAST FEEDING A NEWBORN!!!
4) The kids are just getting big enough to stick it out and enjoy it.

We were able to stay for 10 awesome days, John for 7 of them! The kids were so much easier going and able to man up and enjoy the long hours in the sun and saltwater without melting into complete whimpering puddles of discontent by late afternoon. The bigger cousins always play well together, but they seem to be even more in sync, playing their own versions of America's Got Talent, singing and dancing, and staying up late to watch movies every night. Loretta is a true mermaid, she can't get enough of the water and looks like a natural born surfer girl with her sun bleached blond hair and tan skin. Caroline is more of a beach combing, castle building, shell seeker, but when she was in the water she wasn't without her shark (her birthday theme this year and favor for all the kids). For Sam, it was the year of the purple dune buggy. He never went anywhere without it. Every walk, every trip to the beach he pushed this dune buggy at an alarming speed. We were so sure he was going to face plant and have road rash from head to chin for the rest of the summer.

Ed and Sharon are always so gracious and welcoming, allowing our circus of a family to descend upon their relative calm and peaceful vacation and we are so very grateful!

Happy Birthday Caroline Louise!

2011-06-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to believe our little baby girl is 4 years old today, but in some ways I feel like she’s been four for a long while. Caroline is a remarkably mature girl and she’s constantly surprising us with her ability to reason and understand the world around her. When something doesn’t go her way you can actually explain why it’s not feasible at that time and when it can be achieved and she gets it and accepts. It makes me work harder to remember to deliver because she is so gracious about it.

Caroline has recently come out of her shell too. I wouldn’t say she was overly shy, but when it came to face time in front of Skype or the video camera she usually let Loretta take the lead role. Lately, though, she’s become such a ham in front of the camera. She loves to be silly and she loves to make everyone around her smile and laugh.

Caroline is so wonderfully sweet natured and joyful. We feel so very lucky to have her in our lives.

Millions

2011-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonathan_moreau/

A few months ago I randomly told the girls that I loved them a million Swedish fish and expressing our love in millions immediately became a nightly routine I have come to cherish a million times over. At first our millions were fairly silly and sweet with each girl trying to out do the other. We’ve loved each other a million cupcakes with sprinkles, Reese's peanutbutter cups, jelly beans, wishing stars, rainbows with a pot of gold at the end, magical wands, grand slam home runs, trips to the moon and back,…you get the idea.

Caroline is keeping it light and fun. Recently, she loved me a million smelly socks. Lately though, Loretta has begun to take our millions very seriously. First of all, she decided they should be private. John and I whisper our millions into each girl’s ear and they whisper ours back. If a million is overheard, well we have to come up with a new one. Also, repeated millions are frowned upon – creativity is required.

Loretta has begun to use her millions to let us know just how much she loves us for who we are to her. Lately, she has loved me “a million beautiful blue eyes, just like yours.” And “a million pretty mommy smiles”. I don’t know what she says to her daddy, it’s private after all, but based on his response I have a feeling they are just as thoughtful.

After her long birthday weekend I knew she had an amazing time because her million told me so, “Mommy, I love you a million great birthdays like today, but they’re yours.”

Happy 6th Birthday Loretta!

2011-05-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Loretta - 2011 almost 6

Loretta 2005 - about 7 months

Loretta 2008 - 3 years

Loretta 2009 - 4 years

Loretta 2007 - 2 years

Loretta 2006 - 15 months

It's hard to believe that 6 years ago today Loretta came into our lives and changed John and I from a couple to a family. All of a sudden we went from being husband and wife (a new concept to us then) to father and mother.

From the moment Loretta was born she knew exactly what she wanted and to this day she's not afraid to vocalize those wants. I admire that about her. She doesn't just wear her emotions on her sleeve, she waves them like a banner for everyone to see. When Loretta is happy, you know it, it's like a light pulsing around her. When Loretta is sad or hurt, you know it, you hurt for her. There is no guessing to what she is feeling or thinking, it's laid out in techno color for the world to see.

I've never known anyone so determined to be seen and heard, to have fun and to be loved. Loretta knows how to get the most out of every experience, I admire that about her too.

Happy birthday to my smart, beautiful, strong girl!

Fundamental Shifts in Thinking

2011-05-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Picture by Keith Galick - A Project 365 Photography Blog

I often find it interesting when children and young adults experience a fundamental shift in their thinking. I think it’s our minds way of slowly maturing into adulthood which is both wonderful and exciting but for most of us, the lucky ones, we aren’t rushed into adult thinking all at once. For most of us, we take individual steps bringing us closer to a more mature way of thinking.

How old were you when you learned the concept of “saving the best for last”? I watch my children at every meal tearing into their favorite food items with wild abandon and then grudgingly and often with great rebellion eating what is left. However, I distinctly remember being about Loretta’s age when I would eat some of the dreaded veggies first very purposefully leaving one or two bites of my favorite item for last so that would be the last flavor I experienced for the meal.

Remember when you seemed physically incapable of NOT jumping into the rain puddle? Sam, at 20 months seems to be driven by some unseen force of nature to stomp and jump in every rain puddle he sees (Loretta and Caroline too for that matter), completely oblivious to the consequences of wet socks and shoes for the remainder of the day.

I remember when a summer shower meant staying outside, singing at the top of our lungs and looking for a rainbow. NOT heading indoors for shelter (unless of course there was lightening and only then because our mom made us).

Remember when getting from point A to B meant only stepping on the green tiles or avoiding any and all sidewalk cracks AND stopping every 10 feet to execute the perfect twirl or whack a tree with a stick? Adult minds are always thinking 10 steps ahead to what needs to be done next (laundry, work, bills, dinner). Children have an innate ability to enjoy and find excitement in the “getting there”.

There have been studies (don’t ask me to reference, I don’t remember the particulars) but basically they pinpointed the approximate age when a child stops seeing in black and white and can recognize shades of gray. The study told a story to children of different ages about a man who stole a loaf of bread for his sick, starving child who needed it desperately. Up to about age 9 or 10 the response was the same, stealing is wrong – the man should be punished. But, about the age of 11 (a little earlier for girls) the children started realizing that there may be times when stealing is justified – not right, but to save a child, perhaps acceptable?

Personally, I will never forget the exact moment when I learned the concept “be careful what you wish for”. It was a hard lesson to learn. I remember hearing the saying and thinking what kind of person wishes for something they don’t really want? Me…apparently. I was no longer happy in a relationship and knew it needed to end, but I didn’t have the courage to end it myself, I didn’t want to hurt the person and wished the person I was with would cheat on me so that I could walk away guilt free. I was young and naive - looking for an easy way out and I had no idea just how much his actions would hurt me. I learned two very important lessons, one, be careful what you wish for, it may just come true. Two, have the courage to walk away when it’s truly over. I have never forgotten that hard earned wisdom.

I believe these changes in thinking are wonderful and natural, but I also think if you’re not careful you could lose just as much as you have gained.

One of the best gifts about having small children in your life is the opportunity to see the world anew through their eyes. Their little minds have such astonishing ways of interpreting the world around them. For this reason, I remain, fairly young at heart, but when life is crazy with the responsibilities of adulthood we all need a small reminder.

So, here is my hope for myself and my wish for you:

-Even when every fiber of your being is telling you to walk away from that puddle, jump right in (at least occasionally)
-If you stumble or fall, jump right back up, throw your arms in the air and yell “Tada!”
-When at all possible use those railroad ties, curbs and stone walls to practice your balancing beam act
-Play tag in the rain
-When a child asks you to tickle them for the 100th time do it, and then do it again
-Get some grass stains rolling down a hill
-Occasionally, eat your dessert first
-Remember to stop and enjoy the “getting there”
-And keep skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk

The Little Things

2011-04-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Last night John took turns dancing with the girls in the living room while we watched Dancing with the Stars. I danced with Sam too, which at this point is mostly jumping up and down in place. Watching John pick Caroline up and twirl her around and then let Loretta dance on his feet brought back some very fond memories of me dancing with my dad.

There was a restaurant we would go to when staying at our cabin on the Lake of the Ozarks. It wasn’t fancy, not much is in that area, but it did have a REAL dance floor. I use to feel pretty special dancing with my dad out there in front of everyone. Usually, no one else bothered to dance, it was just me and my dad in front of all the other guests and I was still young enough that it didn’t embarrass me at all. I loved the attention. I thought about it today during my run and realized, that memory is clearer to me than so many other wonderful things I experienced growing up. Fishing with May flies, skiing with my feet in front of my dads, eating a bowl of Fruit Loops the size of my head while my mom made a huge French toast, eggs and bacon breakfast for the rest of the family, laying in the hammock, singing at the top of our lungs in the back of the Suburban and jumping off the jumping rocks…those memories are considerably more vivid than the ones associated with really big events like Worlds of Fun and our cross country trip to California. Here I am, almost 37 and I can see that coffee mug tree in my mind so perfectly I could be standing right in front of it.

Loretta and Caroline have been begging to go to Disney World and I’ve been stressing. When can we fit that in, they should go but, if we wait another couple years than Sam might actually remember it too, but will Loretta be too old??? But the more I think about it, I’ve decided I’m not going to stress anymore. We’ll get them there, eventually, and it will be great. But most likely it will be the little things like dancing with their dad and playing at the beach with their cousins and going for ice cream when they visit grandma and grandpa that stick with them for the long run.

Second Glances

2011-04-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

This past week I decided it was time to pull out some of my old clothes. It probably had something to do with the fact that my jeans were falling down all weekend long and I felt like a fool hiking them up over and over. So, I dug through the closet and pulled out a few of my old work slacks. My lovely Anne Taylor size 4’s that I haven’t fit into in at least 2 of my children’s life spans. I held my breath (not to suck in my stomach as much as to make a wish), said a little prayer and pulled them on. My first indication that this might result in a positive experience was that I easily got them up and over my thighs. Then the big test, button and zip…THEY FIT!!! It was thrilling to be back in my “good clothes”. I rarely spent money on nicer brands when I was in larger sizes b/c for some reason it felt like I was accepting that I would remain there. So, I’ve been living off Target clothes (which I love, don’t get me wrong), primarily for the last 5-6 years as I literally gained, lost, gained, lost, gained and lost again a total of about 180lbs.

Now, I admit I had begun to swim in my other clothes. Not terribly, mind you, I wasn’t dressing like a bag lady or wearing muumuus to work, but truth be told my pants were baggy and sagging a little, my shirts far from form fitting. So this week, my first week of wearing my old clothes, surprised me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I’ve gotten second glances all week. Not gross leering glances, but rather subtle appreciative double takes and I have to say it feels pretty damn good! I’m aware of my own changes enough to recognize it’s not only the way I wear my wonderful old clothes, it has as much to do with my attitude and confidence. I promised myself that once I was finished having babies I would reclaim my body and I have. It’s not perfect, I’ve had three c-sections for the love of God! But I’m so very proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish.

I made another promise too. I promised when I finally got to this point I would be happy with myself. I look back at pictures of me in high school and cringe because I had a wonderful physique and the entire time I hated it, wishing for more here, less there. No, my body isn’t perfect, and while I'm happy...I’m not settling in here either.

Meaghan blogged awhile ago about how the body she had obtained hadn't exactly measured up to the body she imagined she would have after accomplishing her fitness goals and I can completely and totally relate. So, I’m going to keep trying to lose a couple more pounds, firm and tone here and there, but mostly my goals are more centered around accomplishing activities. I hope to run several road races this year, there's my much anticipated rugged maniac and maybe even a triathlon. However, my focus has moved away from the number on the scale and on to these upcoming events and it feels wonderful having the confidence that I can physically do them. I’m strong enough. I’m fit enough. I’m enough.

Sweet Caroline

2011-02-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

Caroline is really turning into a creative and imaginative little girl. Loretta is our physical child, she'd rather run circles around the house aimlessly for the physical exertion than make believe or read a book. We are still learning what type of little guy Sam is going to be, but he's already proving to be a pretty typical little guy, complete with floor wrestling, car driving, tower crashing enthusiasm.

When the weather was still warm, seems like a life time ago, and we got home from school/work Loretta would immediately ask to go play outside on the swing set while Caroline would ask to stay inside and read book. She loves puzzles and coloring. With Loretta we have to remind her to slow down and take her time, Caroline's artwork looks more like a 1st graders while Loretta's looks like the pre-schooler's. Not that Loretta can't do it, she just can't be bothered.

What's really begun to stand out with Caroline is that she has an incredible imagination and can make up stories and fairy tales that she acts out for hours on end. She reminds me of Uncle Paul and Jordan like that, who could spend hours recreating battles complete with pretend sword fighting.

But Caroline isn't only our bookworm, our giving/feeling emotional love bug. She's also in love with her gymnastics class and has been placed in the advanced class (for her age) at the Y. She's attentive and determined and motivated. And she's quite good.

It's becoming clear to me that our sweet Caroline is changing and evolving into her own person right before our eyes and she is an amazing, funny, clever, smart little girl. She's also no push over, sweet Caroline can take care of herself and in the process, isn't always so sweet.

She may end up being the most well rounded of us all and while I can't take credit for the person she is, I'm still incredibly proud of her.

Seems I'm Overdue

2011-01-26T12:50:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long time since my last update. No Christmas stories or anything. So I know I won’t do the last few months justice, but I’ll give you a few quick highlights.

We went home to MS for Christmas and we had such a wonderful time. Everyone was able to take time off and spend time together and the “kids” went out for drinks and appetizers one night as well. I even hooked up with a few old high school friends. It was fun to remember those fun days of high school. Where everything was such high drama, but I can realize now how good we had it. Carefree and let's be truthful, stupid.

We played a game of hide and seek with my dad throughout the visit as well. Each time he went up in his plane for a lesson we’d run outside to see if we could catch him flying over. We got lucky and saw him fly over three times. My dad’s pretty cool.

Grandma was a huge hit and hopefully got enough kisses and hugs to last her until next visit. They were extra special b/c they were unsolicited. Paul spoiled the kids rotten and they loved teasing him and giving him a hard time.

Chris and Trish and Jordan are doing well. Jordan played his saxophone for us and he’s really great. I swear that kids going to grow up to be a doctor or something b/c he’s wicked smart and super clever. He’s also just an amazing kid and I wish I got to see him more often.

All three kids had an amazing visit and just last night Caroline reminded me of watching grandpa singing and dancing to Feliz Navidad. That girl has amazing recall, that’s going to come back to bite us – already does, often.

Sam is really now just starting to talk a ton and boy oh boy even when you can’t understand what he is saying you KNOW what he’s saying. I love this quote and it describes this time with Sam perfectly:

“There is a certain age at which a child looks at you in all earnestness and delivers a long, pleased speech in all the true inflections of spoken English, but with not one recognizable syllable.”
Annie Dillard

Loretta is doing very well. She and Caroline actually play together nicely on occasion now. They got a microphone music player for Christmas and we loaded a bunch of their favorite songs on it. All day and night they are playing the Killers, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, etc. It’s pretty funny to watch. Loretta is the entertainer. She can put on a show flipping her hair and dancing along – going all out. But she’s starting to show some shyness and only let’s the family see her moments of grandeur. Caroline is a bit more reserved, but that girl knows every word of every song and if not she repeats it until she does. Caroline is also in love with puzzles right now and can take a brand new one and with no help figure it out all on her own. We may need to graduate to 100 pieces soon.

John is doing well. He’s not exactly thrilled with his career at the moment, but he’s remaining positive and looking towards the future. He remains, as always, handsome and in amazing shape and half the time I think “that’s my hot husband” and the other half I think “he sucks, how does he do it???”.

I can’t complain too much though. I absolutely love my new role at work and while I’m plenty busy I’m not completely bogged down in meetings so I can hit the gym regularly during lunch. I’ve been working out 5-6 times a week and watching my calories and I’m down 11 pounds so far. 11 to go. My hope is to be at my goal weight by my birthday in April, which seems a realistic goal, but I know it will get harder to lose as I get nearer to my ideal weight. I’m hoping to do a couple of events this summer if time allows for training. One is a sprint triathlon I’ve done before, the summer after Loretta was born. It’s a ¼ miles swim, 14 (ish) mile bike and 5k run. It will really depend on getting some bike training in (which takes the most time) and whether or not the race falls during our Cape time. The other event is called The Rugged Maniac. It’s like an army obstacle course event complete with wall climbing, crawling through mud, running on boards over water etc.

http://www.ruggedmaniac.com/

My other potentially exciting piece of news is I’m looking into LASIK eye surgery. It’s something I’ve wanted for years and years and it finally seems like a reasonable way to spend some hard earned money. Up until now there was always so much work needed around the house, cars, credit cards, vacation costs, etc. that I felt guilty spending so much money on just me when it could fund something for the entire family, but I think I’m getting past that and beginning to realize I deserve this too. Anyway, no guarantee I’ll be a candidate, but here’s hoping.

I guess I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures over the last few months. Love to all!

Spinning

2010-11-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

We are so very busy these days, but they are very happy days. Loretta has learned to ride a 2 wheel bike and Caroline has advanced from Trike to training wheels too. Sam never stops. From the moment he's awake until he crashes at night he is on the move and the boy can groove when he's not spinning himself into oblivion. Even John is spinning as he eats up the highway between home and work everyday. I'm running again and have tried and fallen in love with Zumba. I know we can't maintain this crazy schedule forever, but as long as the days fly by like they are it will be Christmas and time to head home to see the family in the blink of an eye.

Here are a few more pictures. Enjoy and love to all!

Screaming Banshee

2010-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/9gRLR3W8Ons

So, I'm thinking of being a Screaming Banshee for Halloween this year. Why not? It seems I've been auditioning for the role all year anyway. I feel like I have at least one screaming fit a day lately and I absolutely hate it. I've tried everything I can think of, I repeat myself, I count to three, I speak in a whisper (trying to trick them into listening), I even make tasks and to dos into songs. We have "holding hands in the parking lot", "clean up", "brushing teeth" and even impromptu songs made up in the moment - most recently one about not licking the oven door. In the end though, it seems the only true way I can get Loretta (typically) but sometimes Caroline too to listen and respond is if I scream at them at the top of my lungs.

Apparently I'm not taken seriously unless my voice is an octave higher, my eyes are popping out of my head and the veins in my neck are bulging. It's not pretty. I don't want to be this person, I DON'T want to be this mom. By time I get them into bed at night I'm so tired of the shenanigans that the third request for a glass of water almost puts me into a rage. Every single night I go to bed reminding myself how lucky I am to have such wonderfully spirited children, to enjoy this time because it's so fleeting, to find the humor in their mischief and to be patient and for the most part I do, I AM. They bring me so much happiness and laughter and I just want to tickle and hug them and make them laugh so I can hear the sound of their sweet giggles. But at some point during the day, each and every day, I reach my limit and suddenly their antics are no longer cute or clever, they are downright antagonistic and disrespectful and then the Screaming Banshee Mom rears her ugly head.

I haven't been able to pinpoint when or what drives me over that ledge. Is it just the exhaustion of the day, or that my daily quota of patience has slipped away? Regardless of the why, if I can't identify the catalyst for my internal Banshee and redirect my own behavior accordingly, than how can I expect my children too?

Sam is 1 year old!

2010-08-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

I absolutely adore this little man. He’s so awesome. He’s my snuggle monkey, my wrestling partner, my sunshine and giggles. He squeals like a little girl (thanks to his two big sisters) and vroom’s his cars constantly. He bobs his head when dancing and loves to sneak up the stairs and call for me, in hopes that I’ll chase him down the hallway and tickle him senseless. He plays chase with the girls and when we are up early together in the morning and the girls come staggering down the stairs in their sleepiness he lights up like a sunrise when he sees them, as they do in return. When John comes home from work he’s just as eager as the girls to rush up and meet him at the door giving him hugs and love. He is a complete sweetheart and my heart swells with love for him. Seriously, these days my heart is so full for my family, that my chest almost feels too small to contain it.

I can’t even imagine our life without this little guy. It’s like he’s been with us forever, in the wings, watching and waiting to complete our family.

Happy Birthday Caroline!

2010-06-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Three years ago today we welcomed Caroline Louise into our world, our hearts and our family and we have never been the same. What an amazing gift she is to us. In much the same way that Loretta astounds us with her physical abilities, Caroline blows us away with her intellectual and emotional capacity to understand, empathize and love. She is an old soul with a clever mischievous side. She’s our comedian, our peace keeper, our negotiator and our pride and joy. She’s thoughtful, giving, stubborn and smart as a whip. She’s easy going and resilient, and in many ways a typical three year old, but she’s no push over. She speaks her mind and will tell you when she’s been wronged with a calm maturity and a sense of self that puts adults (like me) to shame. When she misbehaves, she is truly ashamed of herself, when she apologizes for her actions she is truly sorry. And although "I love you" flies freely and regularly in our home, she's often the initiator. I’m beginning to see just how much my three year old has to teach about life, love and playing fair and I’m humbly looking forward to every single lesson.

Sam is 9 Months!

2010-06-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sam is getting so big, well not really, but he's growing and changing and I LOVE it. He's now 9 months old. He's 25% in weight, 50% in height and 75% in head circumference. He's tracking a lot like Caroline in that he's actually on the chart and he seems like such a peanut to me. But, he's crawling like a demon, well actually more like Curious George with one leg always bent under, and pulling up on everything and anything. He's got so much to say, and says so with authority and conviction (a lot of that at our house) but as far as real words go, he says something akin to Ma, all done, and La. And only Ma, when really ticked off ;).

He doesn't like to be separated from his sisters, so whenever they are upstairs and we are down (usually early morning or when the girls are napping and he's not) he tends to crawl to the steps and call up for them. He's determined and stubborn and wonderfully mischievous (already!). I'm absolutely crazy about him, his serious little expressions, his quick smile, his deep chuckle. We're all in love with our little man.

One funny Caroline'ism: I showed the kids our wedding video and before the first kiss Caroline asked, "Mommy, when are you going to get married and dance at your castle?". Because, of course, every bride is a princess and every princess has a castle :)

And lastly, I AM turning into my mother :). The other day I was describing something to John, something I had been contemplating for a few days and I actually said "So, I've been thinking in my head...". OMG!!!

Happy Birthday Loretta!

2010-06-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of Loretta. It's encompasses her nature perfectly. Loretta is such a bundle of energy. She's like a meteorite streaking through the sky from the second she wakes up in the morning until she literally crashes on to her pillow at night. She waves her emotions (which can change by the second) proudly like a flag. She lives every moment to the fullest, absorbing it, relishing it, all while asking what we'll be doing next, tomorrow, the day after.

For Loretta, every feeling is amplified and every moment is centered on her. And just when you think that she truly believes the world revolves around her, she'll knock you off your feet with the most thoughtful insight or considerate action. She is strong and athletic and knows her mind. She pushes and tests her understanding of the world and her place in it daily, and in that way she is both wonderfully consistent and exhausting. She laughs with her whole self, dances without music, cries without shame, lies straight faced, and loves with abandon. She is such a joy to us.

Happy 5th Birthday Loretta!

Growing My Roots

2010-05-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

All around me is the bloom of new beginnings. The flowering buds on the trees, the tulips in the yard, the lime green baby grass sprouting up. Sammy is crawling, Caroline is in a big girl bed with no paci, John has a new job with great career potential, Loretta is in T-ball.

In some ways watching those around me grow is making me feel happy and proud. I know that my kids achievements are their own and I find immense enjoyment in them, for them. But, for me, I feel like my personal growth has stunted.

My career is officially stagnant and I’m restless and frustrated. Work wise, I’m having a Groundhog Day experience. After 6 years of the same types of project work I’m having the exact same conversations and challenges I did years ago but now it simply lacks originality. I find that comic strips like Dilbert and movies like Office Space are a surprisingly accurate depiction of my work life and while at one time I found that amusing now it’s just sad.

I was beginning to think maybe the issue was that I’m not getting enough fulfillment at work, and that is AN issue, but perhaps not THE issue. I think it’s time I look elsewhere for my fulfillment. Twelve years ago, when I was a social worker, it made sense to seek that through my work. The value I brought was evident in the reconciliation of families, the adoption of children, the last wishes of a patient. But decisions I made back then (which I don’t regret) have changed me. Time changes all of us; our priorities change and we recognize that where we bring the most value, where we get the most fulfillment may actually be at home and from our family. I may not be significantly touching lives through my work, but I am at home. My job allows me to give my children a roof over their head, healthy meals, health insurance, pre-k, gymnastics, swim, and sports. I’m helping them bloom and in doing so, while I may not feel like I’m blooming myself, I realize that I’m growing my family’s roots and I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than that.

Quick Update

2010-04-14T09:22:00.001-07:00

There is so much to update everyone on. Sammy is officially crawling! He hasn't actually made it out of the family room yet, but time to start baby proofing. He is the loudest little man too. If he is awake he is making noise. Luckily he's moved on from moaning constantly to at least occasionally throwing in a "ba ba" and other more enjoyable sounds. He still has the cutest smile you'll ever see and I adore him to no end.

John has a job offer on the line and they are just working through the details. It's one he is extremely excited about and I'm thrilled for him. I'm officially back on weight watchers and my efforts have been rewarded. I'm down a pant size which is huge b/c my clothes get progressively more stylish as I move closer to my normal size.

Loretta and Caroline continue in their attempt at being the poster children for sibling rivalry, bickering and fighting over every possible thing. Just the other day I pulled Caroline's ponytail in an effort to show her what it's like and why dogs don't like having their tails pulled. Loretta immediately came over and insisted I pull her hair too. The competitiveness coming from miss L is beyond ridiculous. But, both girls continue to amaze us with their wittiness and clever brains so we've decided to keep them on for another year. We'll reconsider if we want to re-up them next April.

Lot's of love to everyone and an extra wink and hug to my dad who got some great news today. Sammy will be bouncing on that knee of yours in just a few short weeks! We can't wait to see you all! I'll close with a bit of picture commentary.

The Easter Bunny was kind enough to leave Sammy a wiffle ball

since the chocolate bunny was out of the question.

Loretta has decided that this is the proper "cute" pose for pictures.

YES! I HAVE PROOF, THE GIRLS SHARING...WILLINGLY!!!

Super sunny Easter morning.

Easter Egg Hunt!

Those tricky Easter eggs were hidden everywhere!

Luckily we had a gorgeous day to search for them.

Ah, our little negotiator. She recently woke up one morning and

assured me if I let her have one big bite of her chocolate

Easter bunny that she would eat a very good breakfast.

Sam found an Easter egg!

I'm pretty sure John wanted that egg for himself.

Family photo opt!

I can't stop kissing him.

Sam is TROUBLE

Doesn't look 4 does she? More TROUBLE

Caroline was still snoozing so Loretta, Sam and I spent some time at a playground near the house.

A little swing action.

This is the girls "Taylor Swiff" hair.

They beg to sleep with their hair in braids after bath then

spend the next day breaking their necks trying to flip it around.

More later!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

We kicked off our Easter celebration in the usual way this past weekend by sharing a pancake breakfast with the Easter Bunny and the family. Caroline is still a little leery of the big guy but in the end she gave him a high five so all was good. Both girls were so proud of their beautiful fancy dresses from Grandma and later when I asked the girls what their favorite part of the day was Caroline said it was wearing her fancy dress and eating breakfast with the Easter Bunny, so basically the dress got higher weighting than the Bunny!

Later, I took the girls to swim class and Caroline had her first official parent free class! She's ready for the next swim level up and that means mommy and daddy can watch from the side of the pool drinking a coffee. Sometimes it's the little things that mean so much! And look how proud she is!

Loretta is kicking butt as a starfish these days.

The worst flooding in over 50 years or some craziness. We need a boat to get the mail.

I just couldn't decide which one of these I liked better so I had to share both!

That's all for now, but more to come.

I'm sure I'll have some egg dying pics to share shortly. Love to all!

The Wall

2010-03-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve finally hit the wall. I’ve seen it looming in the distance for months and months extending out in both directions as far as the eye can see. At first I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to figure out a less painful way to traverse around it (vs. climbing the monster), maybe a shortcut or ramp or something, but there isn’t an easier way. Once I thought I had hit it, but I was only kidding myself. I was still too full of excuses and running on empty where motivation and willpower were concerned. And sleep, precious sleep.

As I get closer the wall seems to get taller, towering over me. It’s taunting me, telling me to give up, that I don’t have a chance. I know better though, I’ve been here before, clambered up this same wall a time or two. I look up and it seems to go on endlessly. Any hopes that it will have steps or at least crevices to grab hold to are dashed. It’s a slick wall, straight up, and it’s going to take a ton of sweat, determination, and a lot of time to climb it. I’m sure I’ll slip a few times and come sliding back down. I can only hope that I grab back on quickly and start climbing again to reduce the damage to my momentum. That I don’t crash back down to the ground and give up all together . What’s on the other side you ask? My normal, pre-pregnancy body is on the other side of that wall. It’s the body that I’m NOT ashamed of when I see its reflection. The body that is strong and healthy.

It’s time to reclaim my body.

Cutting Teeth, Growing Up & Pushing Boundaries

2010-03-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

That about sums it up! Sammy cut his two bottom teeth yesterday. On John's watch I might add. All praise infant Motrin! Loretta is suddenly seeming like such a big girl, holding real conversations and grasping some fairly complex ideas. Caroline has started testing our limits and her power. She's like something out of a sci-fi movie, sending out exploratory blasts in every direction in hopes of finding a weakness in our protective shields. But all is well in our world.

Enjoy!

2010-02-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

BitterSweet Modern Mommyhood

When I was a little girl and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my most common answer was a Mom. Sure sometimes I fantasized about being a movie star and then I thought being a teacher would be cool b/c I could work with kids and still get summer vacation. But, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be the one making the lunches and leaving little notes to my kids in their lunchboxes, meeting the bus, taking the kids to gymnastics or dance or whatever, baking the birthday cakes and making each holiday special. I fantasized about taking the kids to well check ups and sick visits and story time at the library. What I couldn’t have understood then was how hard it would turn out to be the kind of mom I wanted to be while working full time.

I did envision a husband who was a great dad. One who wasn’t afraid to change a diaper and who would rough house on the floor. One who wouldn’t yell at the kids if they turned the hose on him on a warm summer day. One who would play catch in the back yard until it was too dark to see the ball. One that would take them for hikes and bike rides and swimming in a lake – of course I’m always a part of this too. I didn’t want to hang back at the house doing chores while the kids were “out from under my feet”. Dishes can wait until the kids are asleep, but an after dinner walk on a warm night searching for lightening bugs can only happen so many times a year (especially up here).

Early on, I have to admit, I had it so great. I worked reduced hours (although still considered full time) and had Fridays off. I got to take Loretta to gymnastic and both girls to the sprinkler park and zoo. Places that are almost unbearably busy on weekends, we got to enjoy on a quiet weekday. John and I decided early on that we would arrange to have the kids out of daycare more days than in daycare and after all this time we’ve managed to maintain that. John would keep the kids one day a week and I would keep them home on Fridays. It seemed like the perfect balance. We were equally involved in parenting in a way that many couples don’t get to experience. Our kids know, without a doubt, that their dad can meet all of their needs. He can dress them up and put their hair in ballerina ponytails, soothe and bandage their boo boos, everything and anything they need.

Shortly after Caroline was born it became clear that I needed to return to work full time so we could get my full salary and the scale began to tip. John began keeping the kids twice a week (on top of his 55 – 60 hour work week) so that we could maintain “the more out then in” daycare goal. John began taking Loretta to gymnastics. I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who is an amazing father. He is not only willing to do these things with the girls but genuinely enjoys it. But, I can’t help but feel left out. I’m the one I always imaged doing these things and I hate the idea of missing an opportunity to cheer them on or impart an “as long as you try your best” lesson here and there.

Please don’t read this as I wish I were a full time stay at home mom. I definitely do not. I firmly believe that having this adult outlet is good for me and in turn makes me a better mom to my children. I enjoy having the opportunity to excel in the workforce and build relationships away from my family. I think it centers me and also helps me keep some sort of perspective. There is also a sense of pride in contributing to my family's overall financial health in a very meaningful way. However, somewhere along the way my work/life balance scale took a dip in the wrong direction and I haven’t been able to right it.

This week John begins parent/child gymnastics with Caroline and they are both so looking forward to it. If I’m being totally honest here I have to admit I’m equally grateful and bitter. I’m grateful that John is able to take her and I know how much she’ll enjoy it. I’m bitter that while she’s balancing on that beam or hanging from the uneven bar with John spotting her that I’ll be in meeting 3 of 6 for the day trying to concentrate, knowing that I would rather be at the Y with my girl watching her with that determined little “I WILL DO THIS” look on her face.

Who knows what the future may bring. John could find his dream job, I could go back to reduced hours. Those things are not interdependent after all. The scale could balance again. I hope so. I’m optimistic that it will all work out for the best. It’s unacceptable to me to be the parent that misses the school play or concert recital because of work. It’s unacceptable to me to miss the softball, soccer games and swim meets. I consider these things to be what life is all about. These are moments to treasure, the ones that are fleeting. These are the times that we are warned about again and again by well meaning friends, family and strangers, being over in the blink of an eye and I DON’T want to get the play by play after the fact. I intend to cheer and comfort and laugh and experience the moments in real time. I intend to be there… period.

Little Man

2010-02-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

Oh our Little Man. That's what the girls and I call him. Just this morning Loretta was squealing "Good morning Little Man!" and last night Caroline was saying, "Do you want your paci Little Man?". We are all so infatuated with him. Even when he's sick and congested he's just so happy and smiley. Although, he has already grown weary of the camera, you should have heard how hard I had him chuckling before I got the camera out and the jig was up.

It's amazing to me, after Caroline was born I knew that I would be content if we didn't have any more children and I'm sure I would have been. The girls bring us joy beyond measure. But, I didn't have this wonderful sense of completeness that I have now that we have Sammy. I didn't realize it then, but something was missing. We weren't quite whole. I wonder if Sammy will ever understand how much he is loved and cherished. Will he ever know that he is equally integral and essential to our family?

Reading to Baby

2010-02-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

Reality Slap

2010-02-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

I think life has a wonderful and potent way of giving us reality checks when we least expect it. Sometimes those checks are subtle in nature, sometimes more a slap in the face.

This morning I was frustrated and impatient. We took the kids ice skating (their first time) yesterday and near the outdoor rink is a playground covered in mud. We let the kids play once they had had their fill of spills on the ice. When we got home their boots were covered in mud and we put them on the plastic mat to dry out and then promptly forgot about them. This morning I told the girls to get their boots and jackets on while I got Sammy in his car seat. When I looked up I saw with dismay that the running, giggling girls had tracked the clumps of dried mud all over the house. Then to top things off when I was buckling Loretta into her seat, Caroline put her boots on me (for the 100th time) but this time getting mud (now wet with the snow) all over my work pants.

Let's just say I wasn't as cool and collected as I would have liked. More like "Mommy gone postal". I dropped the kids off and then proceeded to fume about it the rest of the way to work. Not just the muddied pants, but the stress of getting all three kids out the door alone on the mornings John opens and how I never seem to rise to the occasion, but rather fall into psycho mom, screaming like a banshee.

So, I arrive at work and boot up my laptop 15 minutes late and there it is. I saw the first few words and knew I didn't want to continue. "It's with sadness that I write to you this morning..." The dreaded email which we knew would come sooner or later. A work colleague's wife passed away this past weekend after a courageous battle with cancer. She was 39 and she and my work friend have two daughters, 6 and 4. His wife had their second just before I had Loretta and we were working on the same project at the time. We had built a camaraderie over the shared experience but, unfortunately, when he relocated we lost that daily opportunity to share the ups, downs and humorous parts of our personal lives.

I've been teary eyed all day thinking about those girls. Feeling uncomfortably grateful that she learned about her diagnosis 18 months ago and had time to leave them memories, videos and notes to open later...after...

Not a very subtle reminder of how lucky I am. I've got it pretty damn good.

From a song I can't get enough of lately. 'I'm Alive' by Kenny Chesney with Dave Matthews:

And today you know that’s good enough for me

Breathin' in and outs a blessing can’t you see

Today's the first day of the rest of my life

And I’m alive, and well

I’m alive, and well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B56UjiLuWkk

Dust Bunnies and Dinner Parties

2010-02-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago, the idea of having friends or family over was extremely stressful and overwhelming for me. I’m blessed with wonderful and caring friends and in-laws and I truly enjoy spending time with them, but I rarely extended invitations to the house b/c I would fret over it so much. What would I cook? I’m a terrible cook! Can John cook? When can I give the house a good cleaning? Will they enjoy themselves? Usually my best chance to get the house in order was several days before the get together and I knew what a mess it would be in again before the big day. Will I have time to sweep and clean up the zillions of toys? It all seems so silly writing it down, but these things would keep me up at night. Even with John being a huge help (and he absolutely is) I had unrealistic expectations that the house needed to be in pristine condition to entertain guests, even close friends.

My mom always did such a great job of keeping the house in order even when we were younger and demanding on her time. And now it always looks clean and inviting. The only time it looks bad is when all of us kids and grandkids converge and even then it just looks like suitcases exploded in an otherwise clean and well kept home. To this day if she’s expecting anyone she cleans the house with a vengeance. Every square inch has been dusted from ceiling vents to baseboards. Every single tile has been scrubbed. Every curtain, blind, window, and mirror. I remember when we were old enough she would have us help clean the house from top to bottom before we left on a vacation insisting we would be glad to come home to a clean house (she was right). I don’t know how she did it, but I try to remind myself that mom was a SHM, a domestic engineer, and at the times I’m remembering anyway, had three kids in school. Regardless, she worked extremely hard making our house a comfortable home.

Lately, I’m excited if I take 5 minutes to swish the toilet wand around the bowl while the girls play in the tub. At my house you’ll find clean folded clothes piled up on every surface (not in the drawers). You’ll find dust bunnies in the corners of every room thanks to our hardwood floors. You’ll find art work taped to walls, mirrors, and the refrigerator. You’ll find stickers on absolutely every surface from those nice hardwood floors to the toilet bowl to Sammy’s car seat, to our own butts. You’ll find hair ponies and barrettes, shoes and socks scattered absolutely everywhere. The bathroom mirror hasn’t been cleaned in a month b/c Loretta and Caroline drew some beautiful flowers after a hot shower one night. These things all caused me such angst when we considered having people over.

The fear of entertaining at home was not something we had to deal with often though. We effectively evaded hints that perhaps we should host the next book club, holiday, girls’ dinner, whatever. We basically saved our energy for one big party at our house a year. Usually in the summer time since the house was so small (praying for sunshine) we would invite everyone we’ve ever known to make up for the numerous invites to their house over the year. Otherwise, we traveled to their homes or we all met out. Now that we have three getting a sitter becomes very expensive and traveling is more complicated.

Lately, perhaps out of necessity, I’ve been able to start cutting myself some slack. I’ve realized that our friends and family would rather spend time with us, getting pizza delivered and eating in full view of a few dust bunnies rather than not see us at all. That they’d rather pass a drooling Sammy around and watch Loretta and Caroline put on a song and dance in a cluttered and half settled house. They’d happily wait patiently for me to get the girls teeth brushed and them in bed before we can have a glass of wine and laugh and talk and catch up rather than me decline an invite out with the girls b/c John has to work and we shouldn’t splurge for a sitter again this month.

Sure, I still run around like a crazed woman just before company arrives. I’ll sweep and wipe down surfaces. Make sure there aren’t little girl panties hanging from any doorknobs (don’t even know how that happens but they show up in the oddest places). I want the house to look nice, but I no longer beat myself up if it doesn’t. More importantly, I no longer deny myself the company of good friends.

What Do You Want To Be?

2010-01-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

On the way to school this morning Loretta told us she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. Caroline asked me what she can be and I gave her the expected parental response, "you can be whatever you want to be sweetheart". Caroline replies in all earnestness, "then I wanna be a lady bug."

Perhaps I should have been a bit more specific...

Piece of Mind

2010-01-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

There is a piece of my mind that is detrimental to my well being. The naysayer, the cynic, my own personal killjoy. Luckily this piece is usually pretty quiet and keeps to itself. It may whisper disparaging comments here and there, try to plant a few seeds of woe, but for the most part I can bat it away as effortlessly as you would a gnat, practically unaware of the nuisance.

Other times it’s more vociferous, demanding to be heard. Those are the times I may humor it, listen to the tirade, then simply shut it down and refuse to entertain the negativity any longer. Usually it doesn’t warrant or concern my time or attention.

But then there are times like now. When being heard isn’t good enough, I must feel the weight and corrosiveness. I must see the shadows, acknowledge the darkness. It’s these times when I find myself bogged down and unable to climb out of the marsh entirely on my own. It’s these times I need my friend.

My friend seems to always know what to say. She authenticates my feelings and my fears. She shares some of her own and I know I’m not alone, or worse, crazy. She gives me a good dose of reality and helps me laugh at myself and life and stretch marks. Slowly the light begins to push back the darkness; the long shadows begin to shorten. I’m grateful for my friend. She’s the type of friend you want for life and when I’m doing battle with this one piece of my mind, she helps return my peace of mind.

A Part of Something Bigger

2010-01-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

Meaghan recently posted about her half marathon and what inspired her while running and linked to a video of the Black Eyed Peas performing in Chicago. The video is pretty cool and the tie in to Meaghan was the idea of being a part of something much bigger. Check it out: Black Eyed Peas Chicago

I’ve heard the song several times since and it had me thinking, some of the most memorable, happy and proud moments of my life have been when I was merely a fraction of something so much bigger than myself. For instance:

Member of the Dover Drive Kazoo Band – (one yearly performance – the Fourth of July Parade)
One third of the Three Musketeers (school would not have been the same without Susan and Liz)
Make-up “artist” for THS performance of Bye Bye Birdie and Bull in a China Shop
Indian Girl and Singing Teenager in the THS performance of The Music Man
Back stage wardrobe/seamstress assistant for the off Broadway traveling performances of Sound of Music and Gypsy – for Gypsy I remained back stage for the entire show and assisted the lead actress with her quick costume changes in the wings.
Official time keeper and crew member of Sundial Racing
Nailing our performance with my fellow color guard members at Vanderbilt Stadium
And Band…I still get little chills whenever I hear the Robin Hood soundtrack and remember how the clarinet part complimented the French horns, trombones and trumpets. Plus, I’ll never be able to hear Sleigh Bells without thinking about the band.
Being a very very small, but integral, part of CPS and helping three biracial siblings be adopted by the same family (a rarity for sure) and assisting a father, who had made his fair share of mistakes, get his children back once he had turned his life around.
Experiencing one of Meg’s triathlons and then participating in my first triathlon – thousands of women swimming, riding and running their hearts out together, encouraging and helping each other accomplish their goals. The goodwill in the air was tangible and heartwarming and the personal sense of accomplishment was certainly heightened with the sharing of it.

I’ve been honored to witness grandness too. Such as:

Wedding ceremonies of loved ones, friends and total strangers (Pope John Paul II conduct a mass wedding ceremony in Piazza San Pietro at St. Peter’s Church in Rome)
The Aids Quilt…there are no words
The Coliseum and the city of Pompeii
The Sistine Chapel – there is something about standing under that amazing work of art where hundreds of thousands of people had stood before me, humbled.
Random acts of kindness - there’s really nothing better to see

When I was very young I wanted to be a movie star. I wanted the fame and excitement and attention. Then, as I got a little bit older, those same things scared me, especially the attention. In the end I think I got exactly what I needed. I have been the star of my own life in all the important moments, like my wedding day when family, friends and total strangers witnessed, took pictures and even videos of John and I exchanging our vows. Like the birth of my three children. Those moments of stardom will always be cherished, but there is something magical about people coming together to create, perform, build, accomplish and share. It’s those moments that inspire me and make me content to play a minor role or simply watch and cheer from the sidelines.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

Well, we had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Santa was very good to us. It's really starting to be fun now, with the girls being old enough to "get it". We baked cookies and decorated the tree. Loretta asked each member of the family what they wanted from Santa and then drew Christmas Wish Lists (pictures) and put them in each of our stockings for Santa to find. The kids made reindeer food at daycare and we left cookies and milk out for Santa on Christmas eve. We watched a hundred different Christmas shows and read Twas the Night Before Christmas. Traditions we've done with the kids from their first Christmas, but this was the first year they really got it and it made it so much more fun.

We spent Christmas morning opening presents at our house and Christmas day at Grandma and Grandpa T's. New Years Eve was very low key. The kids went to bed regular time and John and I did a mock count down at 10:00 PM, then I went to bed. Truth is we were both exhausted and we needed a calm night.

I have to admit though there is a part of me that is really happy the holidays are over and we can get back into a routine. Especially for me and my weight loss goals. Unfortunately, as Meg described in her blog, I jumped on a grenade so to speak, taking one for the team, by eating more than my share of cookies and holiday treats. I wouldn't want the kids to get too hyped up on sugar after all, but also because the sweets of this time of year are an important part of making the holidays special (at least for me - for as long as I can remember with my mom baking delicious cookies and fudge, etc.). Granted, I had no business partaking of that this year, but I did anyway and what's done is done.

Now, I'm a bit overwhelmed by the task ahead of me to reclaim my body, but I know the end result will be worth all the hard work. I think the most difficult part is going to be figuring out the logistics around workouts and caring for 3 kids, but as always John is very supportive of my endeavors so I know we'll figure it out. Ultimately, I just want to be proud of myself, my body, my health. I want my girls to look up to me and, yes I know it sounds shallow, but I want them to think their mommy is pretty. I know I always thought my mom was so beautiful. Still do, but especially when I was young. I remember watching her get ready to go to dinner with Dad, dressing up and putting on her nice necklace, earrings and perfume and thinking she was the most beautiful looking woman with her dark hair and light blue eyes. So, yes, it would be nice if they thought me pretty, but I also want them to see me as strong and healthy and as someone who makes exercise and good health a priority in their life. I have to admit that John's faithfulness to exercise is unwavering and steadfast. I'm lucky that way, because I think if I was married to someone who didn't make it such a priority and was more capricious about working out I'd probably find myself fickle about exercising too. I can't always live up to his level of dedication to exercise, but it's great motivator for me nonetheless.

So this week all the usual routines pick back up. Gymnastics for Loretta on Tuesdays, swim classes for both girls on Sundays, well visits, sick visits, h1n1 shots, and figuring out healthy meals for me and them that we all will eat. It's time to take the Christmas decorations down and pack them away again until next year but that never makes me sad because I just think about how much fun I have unpacking them again next December (even with John's grumbles and moans). The stockings made by mom, my favorite Gloria ornament and glowing angel, the glittery ornaments crafted by the kids, so much more. It's nice to know that in less than 12 months we'll be unpacking these items and once again making the holidays magical for our kids. It's wonderful to know we have that to look forward too, but even better to think about all of the other things we have to look forward to before that happens over the next 12 months. Sledding and ice skating, valentines, the Easter Bunny, birthdays, vacations, running through sprinklers, sleep overs with friends, eating picnic lunches and grilling dinner outside, lighting bugs and flashlight walks, learning to ride bikes, starting kindergarten, jumping in piles of leaves, going trick-or-treating...so much to look forward to and all before our next Christmas.

So, I'll leave you with some pictures and a video or two. We are all wishing you a happy and healthy 2010!

"Remeber guys, Santa is watching" - NOOOO!!!

2009-12-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

Just spreading a little Holiday Cheer!

Blessed

2009-12-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I feel so blessed. I have so much to be thankful for and I'm not just talking about being reflective of my own good fortune over the Thanksgiving holiday. I have, for much of a year now, been rather in awe of my life and I'm always trying to find the right word to describe my feelings. I've considered words like; lucky, fortunate, prosperous, fortuitous, but I keep coming back to blessed. I have to admit that I feel somewhat hypocritical b/c in my mind blessed implies some level (typically a high level) of religious beliefs. I'm not a religious person. I love the idea of religion and faith. I have the utmost respect for the people in my life who are religious and honor their faith by attending church. I would even say I've had a wide and varied opportunity over the last 2 decades to get to know and learn about several denominations and while I was moved, without a doubt, by some no one experience ever took hold in my heart. Still, when I think about my life and just how fortunate I am, I always come back to feeling blessed. So, recently I looked up the definition and while there are numerous definitions that describe the religious connotations of the word there was one definition that worked well for me: blessed adj 4. characterized by happiness or good fortune a blessed time.

Here's hoping that this blessed time lasts a very long time!

I realize I owe everyone some updates and I also know that if I don't do this now there is a very good chance that I'll simply get out of the habit of updating this blog.

Samuel Andrew Tarnuzzer was born on August 28th (his grandmother's birthday) weighing in at 9lbs 9oz and 21" - he is truly the sweetest, happiest, most loving child and there certainly is something amazing and special about the mother/son bond. He smiles like a great big toothless, wide mouthed, jack-o-lantern with his eyes looking off to the side. It's hard to describe but it will absolutely melt your heart. The girls absolutely adore him and are wonderful big sisters (except when they wake him up which is often ;).

We sold our house and moved to a larger one closer to RI where I will be relocating early next year - it was a crazy time with the closing 2 weeks after Sammy's birth and the move 2 weeks after that, but it allowed us to have some major work done on the new house before we moved in. The house is wonderful and the land is beautiful. John has promised me a tree swing and we hope to put a deck/screened in porch off the back next spring. The neighbors are welcoming and we are thrilled to be there.

Meaghan came in October and it was such a wonderful visit. I'm always amazed how Meg and I can take up right where we left off whether it's been a couple days since we last saw each other or over a year. As always, she's an inspiration to me and I started "reclaiming" my body right after her visit (I refuse to diet). Unfortunately, I slipped a bit while in Tupelo (well worth it) but have to get back in the game b/c I want to fulfill my personal goal of being a hot mom someday. I have gorgeous children and a gorgeous husband and I don't like the idea of people thinking how'd she land him? or, thank god those kids got their looks from their dad! ;)

We just returned from spending Thanksgiving in Tupelo which was amazing. There were no major illnesses or injuries to speak of! My Grandma Clifford came down and we had an age range of 3 months to 90 years, add in two dogs a cat and a little girl who decided on her own it was a good time to start potty training and it was an eventful, crazy, wonderful time. So many cute things happened while we were there, here are just a few:

Caroline called Great Grandma Clifford "Clifford the big red dog". I believe it was "Where Clifford Big Red Dog go?"
Loretta got angry with me for forgetting a drawing she had made and gave me the death sign where you draw your finger across your neck with a spitting mad look on her face (I have no idea where she learned that but I almost died laughing).
Loretta got very adept in playing some difficult games on the computer impressing us all.
Caroline, as mentioned above, decided it was time she started using the potty and instigated many oh many "Caroline tinkled on the potty" celebratory parades.
Jordan was well ambushed and abused by Loretta on many occasions and Sammy took a very real liking to Jordan too - smiling like crazy whenever Jordan came near.
Sammy pretty much wrapped everyone around his little finger and I have a feeling he'll keep us there for a very long time.
I got to see New Moon and enjoyed it. Much better than Twilight, but still the acting is sorely laking (with the exception of a few).
Chris, Trish, John, and Ed all went to New Orleans to see the Pats play the Saints and misbehave appropriately.
Mom equipped me with enough reading material to last me at least half a year, as well as, the time to actually get some reading done during the day... for pleasure...unheard of people!
Loretta tied Paul up and made him walk the plank
Loretta tried out my flag and actually did some pretty good moves - she only watched me once and she was mimicking my movements.
Santa stopped by for a visit and the girls were absolutely thrilled to see him - asking where his reindeer were.
The house was a winter wonderland complete with outdoor lights set to music. It was so amazing.
Grandma Clifford taught me part of a song that she use to sing to my dad which I have now sung to Sammy dozens of times:

He's all the world to me

He climbed upon my knee

To me he'll always be

That little boy of mine.

There is so much more to share, but I'll close for now with some pictures and videos. Love to all!

Ahhh...The Cake!

2009-08-06T11:56:00.001-07:00

We had such a wonderful time at the Cape with Ed, Sharon, Juliette, Christian and Mom and Dad T. Caroline was a little confused thinking we were going to the "cake" but the sun, sand and water made up for any disappointment! Both girls absolutely loved the water and my beach babies were tanned and exhausted at the end of each day.

We had our annual dinner at Swan River with Mom and Dad T which is always entertaining, but never more so than this year b/c it was family karaoke night and Juliette sang a song from High School Musical 2. Takes some guts to get up in front of a lot of strangers but she was a super star!

Unfortunately, John had to spend 2 of the days back at home working and attending a wedding, but the time he was at the cape was well spent at the larger beach where he and the kids created an elaborate hermit crab resort. We all got chastised for climbing on the rocks but found dozens and dozens of crabs and hermit crabs to enjoy the splendor.

We toasted marsh mellows and had smores, built and (in Carolines case) went Godzilla on sand castles and jumped waves for days. Couldn't have asked for a better time!

As of tomorrow, I have 2 weeks until my due date and 3 weeks until our scheduled c-section. Hope is my parents will be able to come up for the birth. We are getting very excited to meet this little man! Time to get the baby clothes out of the attic and get ready for his arrival! Love to all!!!

June In Review

2009-07-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a great month we've had! So much to celebrate. We had John's surprise 40th Birthday party, Father's Day & Caroline's 2nd Birthday party! The house is still on the market, I found out that I'm being relocated to the Smithfield, RI. office, Caroline started swim lessons and absolutely loves it. Loretta is taking t-ball (with gymnastics on summer break) and a c-section date has been scheduled for Baby Boy. Enough for the quick recap, here are the fun details:

John's Surprise B-day Party
Yes, it was a surprise months in the making. There were actually two surprises, but one has yet to come to fruition. My mom, dad and the girls and I reserved a flight on a hot air balloon for John's 40th the morning of a surprise party at a great local restaurant with awesome outdoor seating overlooking a lake. Me, with my pregnant brain, completely forgot to tell John that he needed to take the whole day off for his birthday festivities so John had to wheel and deal with employees to re-arrange his schedule, all for naught since weather did not cooperate for the balloon ride. We've tried several times since, but anyone in NE knows we've been pretty gypped here weather wise for the last month or so. Anyway, I managed to convince John that this balloon surprise was really all I had in my back pocket for him with the exception of arranging a sleep over for the girls and reservations for dinner. When we got there, so many of Johns friends were able to attend and I think he was genuinely surprised by the get together. Friends from college, new friends, family all made it a great great night. I had a shirt made up, we had a cake with "Lordy Lordy John is 40!" on it and I even made up favors for the guests, little tins with mints that had a picture of John on them (around 9 years old maybe?) and "40 and handsome as ever!" written on them. John had such a blast and I'm just hoping we can get his flight in before this baby boy arrives! We are trying again this Sunday, so we'll see.

Father's Day

Next was Father's day which was so nice, as always. I helped the girls make t-shirts that said "Loretta/Caroline is Daddy's Girl" on them and they wore them for both his birthday and Father's day. Mom and Dad T invited us to lunch at a golf course which was lovely and has become a tradition. Ed and the kids and Ana, Hooman and Aryana we also there. We seem to be the only ones there each year with the exception of a couple of golfers who idle up to the bar so we pretty much have the place to ourselves. I neglected to bring my camera that day so I don't have pictures of everyone at lunch, but here is one of the girls in their t-shirts:

Happy Birthday Caroline!!!

I can't believe our little girl is two years old! She is such a riot, really funny and I can tell she takes after her uncle Paul and Chris because the girl already has a quick wit and loves to make people laugh. I made my first true tiered cake complete with dowels to support the extra weight and a cake board under the top layer so I could separate and server more easily. I'm really happy with how it turned out but I had made a cool 3D fondant butterfly to stick on the top but with all of the rain and humidity it never dried out enough. Speaking of rain, we had hoped to have a backyard party complete with kiddie pool and sprinkler but the weather did not cooperate, yet again, and it ended up being a cooler, misty, driveway party. But all the kids had a great time riding trikes or pushing bikes, doing chalk and getting tattoos. By lunch we were able to move to the back yard where we did "kanada" pinata fun and cake. Some kids took turns hitting the wiffle ball and our little left batter Loretta can really kill it! Caroline loved standing in line and taking turns along with her friends and when it came time for cake and singing she sang the entire birthday song to herself right along with us. After the kids went home and a little rest we opened her gifts and she barely got past her first doll gift from Grandma. The girl LOVES her baby dolls and for the first few days wouldn't bathe without her baby doll coming into the bathroom to be near and every time she ate her baby doll was in her carrier right next to her. She's such a lovey dovey and not just with her dolls. She is my Snuggle Bunny and every morning she wants to lay with me and wrap her little arms around my neck and just gives the best head hugs which last forever. I love every second of it!

Ok before i sign off - a couple of Lorettaisms:

Loretta telling her friends that her Daddy works at a restaurant called "John" Harvard's because everyone there likes him sooooo much.

An ambulance goes by with The Rod of Asclepius - Ancient Greek symbol for healing with the snake and staff (yes I had to google that - hooray for wikipedia) and Loretta says (really sympathetically) "oooohhh Maaannnn, I guess somebody's got snakes in their house".

Next steps for the Tarnuzzer Clan

Well, we are ever so lucky that we'll be spending a few days with Ed, Sharon and the kids down on the Cape again this year. The girls absolutely love playing with their cousins and being at the beach. That's at the end of July. The very next week we get to spend a few long overdue days with the Blakes!!!! Yeah!!!! They'll be visiting at the beginning of August for a couple of weeks and we'll get to spend a few days with them at their farm house. I look at pictures of Dev and Alex and I just can't believe how grown up those boys are! And don't even get me started on Izzy. I saw her at 3 months old and now she's 16 months old and wearing the same size clothes as our Caroline! I'm so anxious and excited to spend some quality time with Meg. After that I think we'll pretty much hunker down and await this baby boy's arrival! By then it will only be 3 more weeks at the most!

That's all for now! Hope you and yours are healthy and happy!

Couldn't be Happier!

2009-05-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm quite certain I will not be able to do the month of May justice, but I'll try...

It has been an amazing month. We started off the month in Naples for John's work conference which is always so well done. Mom, Dad and Paul met us down there to help out with the girls and ended up taking them every night OVER NIGHT! What a relaxing thrill! I got to enjoy John's nightly work events worry free and sleep until whenever... It was a dream! Loretta and Caroline LOVED spending time with their Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Paul. Swimming and exploring the zoo and eating yummy treats and collecting shells. Caroline gave nightly serenades to everyone and Loretta (taking after her mother) teased Grandpa and Uncle Paul by clinging to them one second and wanting nothing to do with them the next! A true brat in the making!

It was so nice spending some quality time with the family and I'm so glad the girls got some alone time with them and they got to see just how they have changed over the last year. They both took right to my parents and Paul - all the phone conversations and pictures helped Caroline to feel right at home with Mom.

Next major event was Memorial Day weekend. We spent the afternoon at Grandma and Grandpa T's on Sunday where the kids had an absolute blast rolling down the hill and eating hotdogs and watermelon.

John had to work on Monday, but the girls and I attended the town parade, got to see the big fighter jets fly over and then had some serious play time in the pool. Loretta can be such a great big sister when she wants to be. She really has a good heart and loves her little sister, who trusts her completely with her safety... Now, trust her with a toy, oh no, but her life... SURE!

Last, but certainly not least, was Loretta's 4th Birthday Party. What a wonderful day. We had fantastic weather, tons and tons of great friends and family, sprinkler fun, pinata fun, hot dogs, tattoos, cake, water balloons, it just went on and on. Both girls were absolute troopers. Caroline hung tough and never got over tired. Loretta was a perfect little host giving her friends chips and dip and more chips and dip. We may have sent a few adventurers home with poison ivy, but what can you do??? Seriously though, we couldn't have asked for a better day. After the party (and failed nap attempts) we actually took the kids to the park where Loretta ran into a friend who couldn't make the party and learned how to jump off the moving swing! All in all it was a pretty perfect day. Thanks to everyone who shared in Loretta's big day.

Love to all!!!

Catching Up!

2009-04-28T03:17:00.000-07:00

This spring is flying by, which is fine by me! So much to tell over the last month or so and a lot of pictures to share. I'll start off with the fact that we had our big ultra sound on April 2nd and found out we are having a BABY BOY!!!

Let me tell you this baby is ALL BOY too. He was trying to show us his goods in every picture! We are so very thrilled and I just can't wait to meet the newest man in my life. You have to know I've been lucky to have many wonderful men in my life. First there is my Dad (of course), next there is my nephew Jordan who I don't see enough but whom I love more than any Aunt can and I'm so proud of the man he is turning into, next there is my husband and now I'll have another little man to love and watch grow!

Next on the list...Easter which included our annual pancake breakfast with the T's, Ed and Christian and the Hodjats. We had a wonderful time as always. Loretta adored the Easter Bunny, as always. Caroline loved him from afar. So much so that even when he was all the way across the room you could hear her saying "Hi Easter Bunny, Hi, Hi Easter Bunny" over and over but as soon as he started to head in her direction it was "By Easter Bunny, By"! But by the end of the morning we got a picture with her and the Bunny and convinced her to give him a high 5. She had tons of fun hopping like a bunny with Aryana too.

The girls both got their faces painted and enjoyed seeing Grandma and Grandpa T. Later the next weekend we dyed Easter Eggs, had an egg hunt and had a wonderful Easter lunch over at the Hodjats.

What else has been going on with the Tarnuzzers.... Let me see if I can recap:

Loretta advanced to Ray swim glasses and begins with her best girl friend Ainsley next Saturday
We celebrated several friends' birthdays including Christian, Aryana and Alex
Loretta learned how to do the monkey bars all by herself and also turn flips on the bar above the slides - much to the chagrin of the other parents who I can tell think Loretta is teaching their kiddos bad things...oh well!!!
Caroline has begun speaking in this really low scratchy possessed sounding voice on occasion and grabbing your head and turning it towards her and saying "look at me!" It's really hysterical
The girls had their finger prints taken and got to dance with a cow
We celebrated my birthday (no I'm not 29 again, I'm 35 and I'm ok with that!)
The house is still on the market and we are having the outside painted
John had a couple of big work events which went very well
We experienced a few 80+ days in April, eating picnic lunches and dinners outside and even ran through the sprinkler on one day
The Red Sox swept the Yankees in a 3 game match up and Ellsbury stole home base!!!

And what's next for the Tarnuzzer family you ask??? FLORIDA!!! We are so excited to be going to Naples next week and visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Paul. The only two things that could make it better would be if John didn't have to actually work (boo) and if Chris and Trish and Jordan could come too.

Ok, I'm sure there is more to tell, but I'll let some pictures do the talking for me. Enjoy!

One for Uncle Paul!

ABC it's easy as 123!

2009-03-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

John is doing well and so are the girls. Caroline, in the last couple of weeks has really started communicating in sentences and having little conversations with us. I’m pretty smitten with her right now. Loretta is doing awesome too. She now takes a Lil sports class, gymnastics and swimming and every single night when she goes to sleep it’s “what are we doing after rest mommy?”.

Thought you might enjoy a bit of singing!

We actually have some exciting/scary news. We are going to put our house on the market. We’ve met with a couple of realtors, both which feel we can get more for the house than we originally thought. So, if we can sell our house at a decent price and trade up for a larger house a bit further out, we’ll be in great shape. Needless to say, if we don’t sell the house fairly quickly we’ll just take it off the market again as I get closer to my due date. I’m excited about the idea of a larger house, but nervous too. We LOVE our yard and our wonderful neighbors, but with one more on the way we are definitely beginning to feel the squeeze. Wish us luck.

Oh, mom's been experimenting with her creative side again and quite successfully if I do say so myself. I don't actually have permission from the artist to post this, so don't tell her ok??? But isn't it great?!?

My dad got to get back on the racing track this month. He got to drive Dale Earnhardt's car. I don't have any pictures YET, but as soon as my neglectful brother sends some up I'll post them too.

So, last but not least, we've decided to find out the sex of this baby. I should say I've decided and John has sportingly agreed to whatever I decide. Our big ultrasound is April 2nd, so wish us luck for a healthy strong baby who is not shy and has her/his legs wide open!

That's it for now. Love to all!

Dancing Queen and a Twist on Guacomole

2009-01-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

A local coffee shop has been advertising Obama Java for months now, they even offer a coffee cup with Obama's "mug" on it. It's cute, but I think Loretta came up with one better. Loretta knows who Barack Obama is and recognizes him on TV, etc. She's very excited about him b/c her class talked about him. The other day when I dropped her off at the Y one of the teachers there was talking about "Obama" and she chimed in with total authority "It's BARACK Obama" and the little 3 year old next to her said "I LOVE Barack Obama, I voted for him!". It's pretty amazing when our toddlers can feel the history in the making around them. The other night at dinner, John had made Mexican, she was a little mixed up when she declared she didn't like having barackomole on her plate. John and I just about died. I think she's on to something. Use avocados and other ingredients from Hawaii, jar it and SHIP IT! It would be a huge hit.

Caroline has become quite the dancing queen (video below). When she's not forcing us to read to her constantly, she's pretty much either reading to herself - using an adorable rhyming sing song OR dancing. The girl is a total ham and more than anything loves to get a reaction out of you. If she can get you laughing she can hardly contain herself. The one thing she can't handle though is John saying no to her. I can say no all day long and she'll shoot me this, "I'm too cute to kill me so I'm going to do it anyway" look. But with John, he can say something completely calm and pleasant, like "Caroline, don't lick the refrigerator" and the waterworks begin. Real tears streaming down for 10 minutes or more. Sobbing for Mommy and seemingly in total shock and disbelief that her Daddy could possible have said no to her. She's a riot and she's going to be just as much as a hand full as her big sister. The two of them together will cause havoc without a doubt.

Here are a couple pictures of the girls painting:

John and I are doing well, he's been a huge help to me since I have zero energy and I'm still suffering from morning sickness much of the day. I actually feel worse in the evenings. But, I'm nearly 11 weeks and hopefully this part will be behind me soon enough. I know what would help me most would be to start exercising again so that's high on my list. It's hard though when it's so brutally cold and all you want to do is curl up on the couch with a blanket and sleep until spring. Baby #3 is doing well and we even got to see him/her lounging on his/her back and kicking legs and arms at last weeks ultrasound.

The biggest unknown we have right now, or I guess I should say the most immediate unknown, is whether or not I'll be employed next week. Seems to be general agreement that next Tuesday will be the day for layoffs at work and while I'm not agonizing over this b/c it wouldn't help if I did, I'm certainly anxious to get this next round over with. I know I'm not the only one in this position these days, in fact those who aren't are few and far between. But, whatever happens, we'll find a way and I believe that some times these things can be a blessing in disguise.

Love to all!

Shades of Gray

2009-01-15T06:25:00.000-08:00

I had hoped I would get use to the cold. That living up here long enough I would eventually tolerate it, maybe even begin to enjoy aspects of it. That seeing my girls in snow suits making snow angels would be all it took to get me excited about the weather. That I could find pleasure in it through their eyes.

I wish that were the case. Each winter it gets harder instead of easier. I find it depressing to be honest. The holidays get me through to exactly January 1st and by January 2nd I'm dreaming of spring. Everywhere I look are shades of gray. Salt residue covers every inch. The roads, snow, sky, trees, cars, street signs, even the sunshine; everything...different shades of gray.

And don't get me started on the cold. I can't shake it, it's deep in my bones. It reminds me of when I had to get fluids by IV when I was pregnant with Loretta. They store those fluids in refrigerators and talk about literally having your blood turn into ice. There is no blanket warm enough. That's how I feel in my own house and at work. Never warm enough to thaw my bones completely. We had an ice storm recently and hearing those huge 100 year old limbs snap under the frozen wait on them was disturbing and impressive at the same time. Mother Nature and her uncompromising glory.

But, luckily, I do have one constant and brilliant ray of warm light to help me through this long, cold, bitter winter. My children. I can't look at them without feeling privileged and beyond fortunate to have them in my life.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T08:17:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone! We went to see Santa Claus this weekend and while Loretta was thrilled to see him she had to explain that she was sorry she was already on the naughty list and she understood she'd have to be very good to get back on the nice list. Little Caroline wanted nothing to do with old Saint Nick, however, as you can plainly see in her "if you move me one inch closer to that man I'm going to lose it" look on her face!

Love to all!

Annie, John, Loretta and Caroline

All About Caroline

2008-11-29T11:56:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update to say hello and share a couple of cute videos of our Caroline. She is such a cutie pie these days. She wants to be read to constantly and even her full blown, thrashing on the ground, temper tantrums are still pretty hilarious. Her cuteness factor is going to take her a long way. And she already knows which buttons to push with Loretta and does so often. But, all is fair in love and war and after a year of Loretta tormenting Caroline she is certainly getting her comeuppance. Hope all are well and had a lovely Thanksgiving. Take care and enjoy!

Just a Quick Hello

2008-11-09T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone, not much to update, just wanted to share a few fall pictures of the girls. Caroline is getting so big and really starting to talk up a storm. Loretta is loving swimming and gymnastics and has now convinced her dad to put her in a dance class too. John and I are both well (constant colds aside). The last picture is of Caroline on the beautiful blanket her grandma made for her. And there is a cute video of Loretta below going down the fireman's pole.

Last, but certainly not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN! WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!

Enjoy the pictures and love to all,
Annie

Happy Halloween and Don't Forget To VOTE

2008-11-03T09:10:00.001-08:00

We had such a great Halloween this year. Between carving pumpkins (which reminded us of psycho the way Caroline wielded her carving implement) to costume parades to pesky wing issues to the marathon of trick or treating. I think the best way to tell you all about it, is through pictures! When I say Caroline stabbed at that pumpkin like she had a personal vendetta against the squash, I'm not over exaggerating. It was hilarious and a little scary ;o)

Loretta absolutely loved her Super Girl costume and seriously looked like she was flying like a speeding bullet from house to house with all the big kids.

This was Loretta's daycare costume parade picture. Cutest puppy dog ever!

John dressed up too! this picture was taken after trick or treating and Caroline was all set. Loretta on the other hand was ready to party like it was 1999!

A good old fashioned Airplane ride turns into a pretty cool picture.

Caroline insists on Airplane rides too, as a matter of fact, insists on doing anything and everything her big sister does.

Caroline couldn't get enough of the jack - o- lanterns. She's investigating the inner workings. A minute later, she tried to sit on that pumpkin.

OK, this could have been the winner for funniest Halloween moment. For the daycare parade Caroline was a bumble bee complete with stinger and wings. But when we put the wings on she freaked and looked like a dog chasing his tail spinning in circles for a good 5 minutes trying to grab and remove.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween! Love to all and DON'T FORGET TO VOTE TOMORROW!

Catch Up & Pumpkin Picking

2008-10-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

We've had a wonderful few weeks full of pumpkin picking, apple picking and decorating for Halloween. Loretta had a Tea Party with some friends yesterday and it was a good reminder that the girl needs regular "girly" play dates. She's grown up around boys, with the exception of our her friend Ainsley, there is Devin and Alex and the 9 boys in her daycare class. She's the only girl and it shows. But, it the midst of tackling and throwing balls she still manages to do or say something really girly. She sings Ariel and just this morning told me she wished she had boobies like me (some day baby girl!). Caroline is doing wonderfully, she's talking more and more and finally has some more teeth, not that it's helped her appetite much. The girl would live on banana and cream cheese on waffles if we let her. She's doing everything her big sister does down to whispering secrets in my ear (full of spittle as she says sps sps sps psps). She is looking more and more like me and my mom. John is doing great and nurturing his artistic side some. I'm doing well too, but feel a bit like I'm in limbo waiting for an answer about returning to work on Fridays.

That's all for now, please enjoy this lovely rendition of "Part of Your World" by Loretta. Wait for the graceful close to the song, it makes it so worth while.

Love to all!

18 Years Ago, When I was 16

2008-10-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

I actually thought that the other day. 18 years ago when I was 16. Can that be right? Seems more like it should be 18 years ago when I was 8. Yeah, that seems about right. I would be 26 not 34! I feel more like 26. I think that's why sometimes I'm so surprised that I'm a married mother of two! Don't get me wrong, this isn't a woes me, I'm almost 35, because I don't care about turning 35, I didn't care about turning 30. It's just surprising b/c some days I look in the mirror and half expect to see that 16 year old staring back at me and other days it hits me how much my life and I have changed since then.

So, I started thinking about my 16 year old self. What I was thinking then, wishing for, dreaming of. I realized something remarkable, I realized that all of my childhood dreams had come true. I'm married (had a beautiful wedding), I went to Italy, I finally became a mother, I even came as close to my 5 year old dream of becoming a movie star as I would ever really want by being on a reality TV show!

What do you do when you realize all of your dreams have come true.

1) Be Grateful (check, done - I'm thankful every single day)

2) Get more dreams!...but, does that make me selfish?

I thought about my girls and whether or not I would ever want them to stop dreaming big? No way! Dreams are wonderful, they provide hope, escape, motivation. I have dreams for my girls, but I don't want to burden them with my dreams. I want them to have their own.

So, now that my childhood dreams have been realized, what should my adulthood dreams be? I know what they can't be, they can't be me losing these last 10 lbs or being wrinkle free! They have to be bigger, feel as amazingly out of reach as my childhood dreams did for so long...

How exciting! A clean slate, they could be anything at all! Skies the limit! So, here is what I came up with:

1) I want to live in Europe for awhile at some point. I want to be there long enough to become completely immersed in the culture and fluent in the language.

2) I want to swim with dolphins,whales or manta rays. Some of the ocean's gentle giants.

3) I want to go on an African safari, but a posh one - with enough comforts that I can sleep without thinking some exotic bug is going to infest me with a terrible disease, but enough exposure that I witness unforgettable wildlife.

4) I want to go on a cruise to the Arctic.

5) I would like to do something extraordinary for someone else. I can't imagine what this might be (I even let my CPR certification lapse), but I just hope if given the opportunity to do so, I won't freeze, I'll just know what to do to help.

Mostly, when my girls are older I want them to think of their mom as someone who is ambitious and adventurous. I want to be someone they can be proud of, someone they can look up to (well figuratively speaking at least).

That's all for now. Take care!

Interesting Tid Bits

2008-09-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

So, I was recently told I was going to have to stand up in front of 50 or so people at a networking event and introduce myself and tell everyone something interesting about myself. I'm not special, everyone has to do it, but my initial response to this was "oh great, I guess I'll be making something up". It took a co-worker to point out Trading Spaces, which I'm sure I would have come up with given more time to think, it is fairly recent and I'm still asked about it. However, I tried to think of other interesting things and was having a hard time coming up with stuff. It made me wonder, why do we seem to find the interesting and unique in others but can’t pinpoint them in ourselves?

I took the advice given by a coworker, to ask John and did some brainstorming last night and all together this is what we came up with (I've written these about myself, but it's obvious how many of my interesting tidbits include John and other loved ones):

My name is carved into an interior support beam of the top floor of the sears tower (my dad worked there for 16 years when the top floors were built)
I did some really bad catalog modeling for Bass Pro shops in the mid 80’s (along with my Dad who can hold his own agains any thermal underware model)
I was an official crew member of an automobile racing team (my dad raced vintage car racing – the name of his car/team was sundial racing b/c in the early days he was so slow we joked we could toss the stop watch and time him using a sundial)
I’m a double certified scuba diver whose never been open water diving
I was married in the Boston Public Garden on the same day Hemp (um I mean) Freedom Fest was celebrated in the Common (I’ve been told all of our guests had the munchies)
I witnessed Pope John Paul II conduct a mass wedding ceremony in Piazza San Pietro at St. Peter’s Church in Rome
I was on the Italian nightly news – John and I were traveling by train to Civitavecchia when the tracks were flooded out and we were stranded on the train for several hours. We were in a box car with two priests from Spain. The Red Cross showed up to provide everyone with ham croissants and apples. The film crew showed up too and filmed our box car, John and I were drinking Italian beer and playing cards with the two priests looking on (good and evil in one box car!)
I met Whoopi Goldberg and accused her of being an impersonator (alcohol was involved)
I have my apprentice black belt in TKD
I filmed an episode of Trading Spaces with John and my best freinds (no we didn’t meet Paige Davis)
one last thing (not interesting really, just memorable for me) on this day, September 11th, 4 years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Loretta. My parents were also married on September 11th. Nice to have some fond memories of this date to help counter the bad memories, ya know?

So, what did I learn from this exercise in self awareness? We are so critical of ourselves. We are often never "enough" (smart, pretty, strong, interesting) in our own mind. But, if we look at ourselves with less critical eyes (like through the eyes of our loved ones) we may just see how interesting we really are.

Teeth and Expressions

2008-09-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Caroline has finally gotten a few more teeth. She has 6 total now. Much more slow going then her big sister. Loretta had 11 or 12 by this age. It's been a difficult few weeks, but when she is pain free (thanks to Motrin) she is her happy wonderful playful self!

So, John and I are more careful lately with our favorite ways of expressing ourselves. Loretta is picking up on everything we say and using our gems in the right context and often. She sometimes combines and mixes them up a little though. Her latest is "SON OF GOD!!!" It's an apparent combination of "son of a gun" (only recently revised from the tried and true version) and one of mine "For the love of God". Needless to say, it pretty much kills us when we hear her scream it from another room b/c her tower was knocked over by Caroline or some other tragedy occurred.

Caroline is now in Parent Child Swim and Loretta has recently started gymnastics classes. She loves it and asks pretty much daily if today is a gymnastics day. She started asking for gymnastics after we let her watch it during the Olympics. It's absolutely adorable watching her. She's much taller than the other kids and a bit of a "bull in a china shop" but she is trying and loves it. Caroline is a little less enamored with the swimming, she loves her baths, but is a little overwhelmed in the big cool pool. But, I'm hoping she'll eventually take to it like her big sister.

That's all for now EXCEPT for a quick call out to Dad T. Happy Birthday DAD T!!!

Tid Bits

2008-09-02T05:59:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of pictures of the girls. I was playing with the settings and taking pictures of a few flowers - movement, etc.

Also - Check out Aryana's blog (link on the right under Fav Links). She's getting so big, such a cutie pie. Also, the very first video is one of us all at the zoo feeding and petting the deer.
Enjoy!

IIIIIIIIII GOTCHA!

2008-08-28T09:58:00.001-07:00

Caroline has this fun little game she likes to play. She crawls up the steps and then sits at the top jibbering and jabbering as loud as she can until she gets my or John's attention. Then when we start heading up to bring her back down she crawls (yes crawls b/c that's what she could do when she started the game - even though now she can practically run) away from us into one of the bedrooms. When I catch her I always scream "IIIIIIIIIIIII GOTCHA!" and tickle her. Now, when I catch her she says I gotcha too, but it's not the exact words, just mimicing the sounds. She's not talking a ton yet. She'll repeat us when we say something, mimic the sounds, but not initiating much on her own. Just mama, loleta, and dada and now IIIIIIgoya!

She's really a sweatheart this girl of ours. Such an easy going babe. But when she's angry - stand back - that girl has no fuse at all just immediate self destruction.

Loretta is seeming so old to me now. I have to remind myself that she's 3 all the time. She's showing signs of real compassion and understanding. She also knows when she's been wronged and isn't afraid to let you know it too. I like that she sticks up for herself. She's a tough cookie and demands fairness and her due. She's also stubburn as a bull, but I have no idea where she gets that from ;o)

Loretta has also become quite the picture taker. She loves taking our camera and snapping shots of anything and everything. More often then not, she ends up with something pretty amazing.

Last, but certainly not least, Happy Birthday to Grandma T!!!! We love you!

That's all for now, take care.

Summer Days

2008-08-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

We had such a wonderful time on Cape Cod with John's family. They are so good to us and Loretta and Caroline absolutely love playing with their cousins. I don't have many pictues though, my battery died the first day and I didn't have the charger.

Mom buries Caroline's toes.

Caroline bumps heads with Grandpa T.

Loretta loves the water.

Dad and his girls.

We love the deer sanctuary at southwick zoo.

That's all for now. Love to all!

Check Ups and Swim Classes

2008-07-23T10:59:00.001-07:00

Caroline had her 1 year check up last week. She's doing great, but so much smaller than Loretta was at her 1st. Caroline is 18 lbs 12 oz. She doesn't weigh enough to turn her car seat around. She's 30+ inches long. That puts her in the 10th percentile for weight, but the 75th percentile for height! How did I end up with these two slender amazon girls??? She's talking a little bit more, will say dog now, but still pretty conservative with her speech, but in no way quiet. She's constantly gibbering or singing. I have a feeling she's going to go directly from mama and dada to full sentences - telling her sister to back off and give her back her toy ;o)

Speaking of our little toy thief...Loretta has fallen absolutely in love with swimming and she's doing a fantastic job. We signed her up for Pike swim classes (the first level after parent child swim) and after the first class we were told to take her from a 3 bubble float to 2. By the next class we were told she could move up to Eel for next session. She's been swimming underwater and has no fear. So much so that she jumped in the pool after I removed her bubbles (after I said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!") and sank right to the bottom. I thought I was going to have to jump in clothes and all, but at the last moment she pushed off just enough to reach my hand. The Blake's were kind enough to give us their pool when they moved. It's big, big enough for a filter and for Loretta to have a blast, but she can touch the bottom. I think it's made her even more confident in the water, but we'll be keeping a close eye on our little daredevil.

That's all for now. Much love!

Vacations & Birthdays!

2008-07-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

We have been very busy the last two months. We've traveled to Charlotte to visit the Blakes, attended Dad T's Lions Club and witnessed him receiving a very prestigious award, celebrated Caroline's 1st birthday (twice) and spent a week with my family in Mississippi. It's been wonderful and we're very excited about the rest of the summer too, specifically spending some quality time at the cape with Ed, Sharon, Juliette, Christian and Mom and Dad T.

Here are a few snapshots of the last month or so starting off with some love from Caroline and Loretta:

Bath time with the boys:

Baby Isabel's first swim with her mom:

Naughty Step!:

Birthday cake:

Caroline loving her bath with Grandma ;o)

Loretta's first mg ride with Grandpa:

Caroline sitting pretty:

Our little artist:

That's all for now.

Love to all!

Memories

2008-06-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I always think, there is no way I'll forget she said that, or this moment, but the truth is, I do forget. Crazy life happens and those moments are lost in my memory only to be triggered at some point, totally unexpectedly and wonderfully. A few of these that have recently sprung to mind.

"Grandpa, put your pants on!" (b/c we all know that's what you have to do at 6:00am before you are allowed to go downstairs and watch a show).

"Mommy, I love you all the way to the toilet paper." (our fun with the book which ends with "I love you all the way to the moon...and back")

"When I'm five, I'll be brave." (what was said after the drama of splintergate)

"I'm not a little smarty pants, I'm a BIG smarty pants!"

The way Caroline says "Hiiiiii" in a really high whisper.

How Loretta, as a baby, would put her arms behind her head (assuming the position) and scream bloody murder for her bottle.

The way Caroline hugs your head with both arms wrapped around your neck, doubled over and playing with your hair.

I feel so ridiculously lucky.

adding on from our July trip to MS.
Mom let chris and trish sleep in her bed. Chris was the last one still asleep and Loretta decided it was time to get up. He gave her a message.
"Um Miss Trish, that man, in grandma's bed, wants a coffee".

First Steps!

2008-06-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Caroline took her first steps today! She's been cruising the house with her push toys but today she finally took a couple truly unassisted steps to her Dada and to me. It was very thrilling and I'm so glad I didn't miss it - Loretta and I leave to visit the Blakes tomorrow morning. Not sure who is more excited ;o)

That's all for now, gotta pack!

Loretta's Birthday!

2008-05-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Loretta!

We had a gorgeous day for Loretta's party and so many friends were able to join us. There was a pinata, water balloon toss, sprinkler time, impromptu water slide, water duck duck goose and dinosaur cake!

Blowing out the candles is serious business - you should always have your game face on!

Loretta had such a wonderful day and wanted to send a thank you to all of her friends and family:

We had a beautiful Memorial day too, complete with parade, picnic and pool time. I put together Loretta's new picnic table from Grandma and Grandpa and John put together our new child bike seat for Caroline and I took both girls for a bike ride, Caroline in her new seat (helmet over her eyes, but still loving it) and Loretta in the bike trailer.

That's all for now!

Holliston 5k

2008-05-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

We had a gorgeous day for our annual Holliston 5k road race benefiting Children's Hospital of Boston. It’s a great event for a great cause created by Barry Kriegsman, a former patient of Children’s Hospital Boston. This particular event is special in our hearts b/c it always falls near the date that Meaghan’s niece Brianna past away in 2005 and it’s a way of honoring her memory. I sent our registration info out early (in hopes of getting a t-shirt). Well, John and I ended up being number 1 and 2! We didn't feel up to the task! People kept asking us what we had done to get those numbers, ummm, just anxious to pay I guess!

John pushed Loretta and did really well, finishing fifth in his division in just 24:37! My time, on the other hand, was nothing to be proud of, but I ran the entire race without stopping so I'll take it. Plus, I'm requesting there be a division added for Mom's who have had a baby within the last 12 months and is pushing said child the entire race...As far as I could tell, John and I were the only runners pushing children so it was truly a family affair.

This year they added a 1 mile kid’s race and Loretta participated! She was the youngest (by quite a bit) but she hung tough and finished strong! We're very proud of her.

First Haircut!

2008-05-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

Caroline got her first haircut! Just a trim to keep the fly aways out of her eyes. Her hair is really starting to curl in the back just like Loretta's did. The girls had such a great time with their grandma, grandpa and uncle paul while John and I were in Florida. John and I had a great time (he worked while I checked out shopping and the pool ;o) but we had great dinners together and one whole afternoon when we walked the city and found the beach. We saw a horse shoe crab and a stingray.

On Friday we got our long awaited tattoos! Such a great experience, but OUCH!!! I had forgotten how painful they are. John was a champ though and he had to sit for 3 1/2 hours! Mine was more like 2 hours. So worth it though, John's crest is AWESOME and I'm very happy with my piece as well. We've decided they are our Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts to one another.

I already miss my family, I didn't get to spend enough time with them b/c they had to leave yesterday. But, I'll be home in July and I know how 2 months can fly by. I'll get to catch up with Chris, Trish and Jordan then.

That's all for now!

Tricks!

2008-04-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

Loretta is all about her new bike. She absolutely loves it. She also loves the boy who lives next door. He rides up and down our street doing tricks and she just sits and stares, so infatuated. So we weren't all that surprised when she started doing tricks on her red trike, but were quite impressed when she was doing them on her two wheeler after having it for 1/2 a day ;o)

Just a couple more weeks until Mom and Dad get here and we head to Florida! WooHoo!!!