Loretta Turns 9!

She's still our crazy, fun loving girl.  I can't believe she'll be double digits in one year!  Happy birthday Loretta Maxine, you are so very loved.

Claiming our Home while our Home Claims our Hearts

When we moved to Uxbridge Sam was 6 weeks old.  Loretta was starting kindergarten and Caroline preschool.  We didn't unpack so much of our belongings, left to get dusty in our basement.  Sure, a few years in, we hung a few photos on the wall, but truth is we never claimed our home as our own.  It never felt like a forever home.  

Now we get to claim our new home, which has already claimed our hearts.  Our wonderful, historical, story filled, Victorian new home.  I can't wait.

Memorial Day Parade goes right by the house.

Turning 40 and Blakes Visit - Marathon Monday

I had such a great 40th birthday week.  It was so wonderful having the Blakes in town, attending my very first Boston Marathon one year after the tragic bombings of 2013, packing up (and uncovering long lost gems) to move to our dream  home after months and months of wondering whether or not we could make it happen.  All goodness and possibility.  Can't and won't complain about turning 40, I'm way too fortunate.

Daredevils Don't Whine

Yesterday we were at the playground.  After Loretta scaled the tops of the monkey bars and did many flips around the bars she moved on to the swings.  She pumped high enough for the chains to give that little jerk at the top (I still love that) and then flung herself out of the seat flying through the air (I used to love that).   She sailed higher than the top of the swing and went crashing to the ground so hard there was no chance of landing on her feet.  She laid in the rubberized mulch, a jumble of arms and legs and laughed.  She got up smiling and then did it again, and again. 

It wasn’t until we started walking back to the car, once we were out of eyesight of the playground, that the whining began.  "I think I hurt myself.", "That last time my knee hit my cheek.", and "I might have sprained my ankle too." (she was walking fine)...I could see her working herself up to a good woe is me moment.  I'm shocked after having me as her mom her whole life she keeps trying this angle.  It has never gotten her anywhere.  I'm the "Shake it off." mom.  The "If it's not bleeding you're fine." mom, the "If you can move it, it's not broken." mom.  The "Well it's bleeding profusely, but I'm pretty sure you don’t need stitches." mom.  I don't become the dotting mother over every scrape and bruise, it's just not me.  Maybe that's the problem. Maybe she's wondering if this time will be different, but it wasn't.  It won't be. 

It's not that I'm cold hearted, I cry over Disney movies I've seen 100 times.  I still can't watch Dumbo.  There is plenty of sentimental mush here to go around.  The way I see it, if you're going to be a risk taker (and there is a LOT of wonderful and amazing experiences to gain by being a risk taker) then you have to be able to take your licks.  It's fun being a daredevil.   It's fun to jump from the high swing and feel gravity pull you down so fast you only have a split second to second guess your decision to jump in the first place.  It's fun to go full speed down a hill on your bike with your hands spread wide hoping to God no one is going to  pull out of their driveway in front of you.  It's fun to climb a tree higher than you ever have before, wedging your body just so and searching for a foothold and wondering if the next branch can hold your weight.  I did all of those things when I was younger - I've gotten a little more timid with age, but when I was young I was a daredevil too and I can close my eyes to this day and remember perfectly how each of those things felt, the rush, the twinge of fear, the pure undiluted and thrilling excitement of it. 

Each of our children are daredevils to some degree.  Loretta and Sam are fearless to the extreme, Caroline is more calculated and selective about the risks she takes,  but daredevil none the less.  I'm glad they are too.  William G.T. Shedd said “A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”  I could keep them safer by nixing a lot of what they do and yes, for everything their dad and I let them try there are a dozen other grand ideas we squash right out of the gate, but we want them to test their own limits and for them to  understand that sometimes the best things are only had by taking big risks.  We want them to have the courage to explore, to push their fears aside, to experience their world and all it has to offer.  Whether it be throwing themselves off a cliff to the cool blue waters below or giving their heart and soul to someone else to keep safe, it all takes courage, it's all a risk.

What I can't tolerate, however, is ten minutes of whining about a bump or bruise after each harrowing feat.  Acknowledge the pain but don't dwell on it.  That's the small price you paid for that trilling moment of flying through the air.  It's your badge of courage, your warrior scar.  That's what makes life worth living.  So my little daredevils, take your risks and live your lives to the fullest, but always remember daredevils don't whine.  

Our little guys in their early daredevil days.

I've Gotten Good at Hiding

Kids are great for hiding behind.  You can cuddle up to them (which is nice anyway) but it also effectively hides your own body - if that's what you are trying to do.  It's what I was trying to do and I have many many pictures to prove it.  Lately, I've looked like a disembodied head floating behind various family members.  

I had really let myself lapse into a mental state where I felt like no matter how hard I tried and pushed myself I was never getting where I wanted to go, so why bother, why keep depriving myself?  At the same time though, I hadn't become accepting of my body, so I was a mess of contradictions.  I should love myself and my body because it's healthy and size doesn't matter (I'm still me), but at the same time I wasn't loving it because it just didn't feel right to me.   

The first half of last year I really worked hard to lose all the extra pounds I had put on over the baby making years and I did too.  I got down to just a few pounds of my goal weight (a healthy goal weight, recommended by my doctor).  But, I only remained there about 48 hours and I never saw that number on the scale again.  The way I had gotten there just wasn't maintainable.  I was doing 45 - 60 minute early morning workouts 6 days a week (intense, knee jarring workouts which caused problems later).  I was also running regularly, swimming once a week and lifting - all of this while keeping my calories around 1200 a day.  To make my life a little easier (b/c counting calories can be hard) I ate mostly processed foods like Lean Cuisines and Fiber One Brownies b/c the calories are right there and easy to log, I could scan the package with my phone for God's sake, how easy is that?  It seemed to be the only way to lose weight, but after awhile it just became too hard.

That's when I let it go, I thought in a healthy, self accepting way too.  After all, I can't help my genes, right?  5 lbs looks like 15 lbs on someone who is barely 5 feet tall.  So, I let it go (or so I thought) and I maintained at a reasonable weight for a couple of months, still working out regularly but not as intensely.  The problem is when I'm not actively trying to lose I gradually gain.  I have never figured out how to maintain.  I've had plenty of experience with plateaus, but sadly none, that I was at least consciously aware of, with maintenance. I found my workouts getting less and less intense, my runs very comfortable b/c I stopped pushing myself and don't even get me started with eating.  By time Halloween came around, let's just say, I had given myself a free pass and ate whatever looked good, which was a lot of candy and Christmas cookies and junk.

By time Christmas came around I knew I had reached my limit for over indulgences.  I felt terrible and I knew I needed to make a change, but I didn't know how or what change to make.  Clearly counting calories was not working for me anymore.  I had done that after each pregnancy with WW and myfitnesspal and they worked, until I got pregnant again at least.  However, it doesn't work for me for the long run.  So I decided to make some big changes.  Some may sound extreme, but they are also short term (like cutting out dairy).

I wont go into the details, but in short I'm eating clean.  No processed foods at all.  Currently I'm also not eating sugar (except naturally occurring in fruits and the occassional dark chocolate).  Also, no dairy, gluten, eggs, peanuts, soy or corn.  I've been eating this way since January 1st and definitely feel a difference.  I've also lost some weight and I'm working out doing a 25 minute workout video every day and lifting 3 times a week (just started the lifting this week).

If you had asked me a year ago to eat like this I would have laughed in your face.  No way was I giving up cheese and I eat low fat yogurt because it's GOOD for you!  A little coffee mate in your coffee never hurt anyone!  What I described above would have felt impossible to me, impossible to stick with for more than one day and miserable to do so anyway.  

To be honest, it hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  John has been a huge help, buying me organic foods and making me "on plan" dinners that help mix it up so I don't get bored.  There are tons of alternatives too, like brown rice wraps, almond milk and almond butter.  I don't crave sweets nearly as much as I use to.  I also stopped drinking coffee for the most part.  To be honest I went decaf last year so I was only drinking it out of habit b/c I loved the extra creaminess and sweetness of my coffees.  Remove those and there really was no point, so I've switched to green tea.  I do miss my creamy sweet coffee sometimes though :)

I plan to slowly start to introduce some of the things I've removed back into my diet, but I also plan to keep my diet as clean as possible too, with little to no processed foods.   I may even try to stay gluten free for awhile.  I had stomach issues going into this, I can only imagine it was from too much "healthy" yogurt, with my "healthy" granola, too much "healthy" treat options filled with artificial sweeteners and not enough veggies and good proteins. 

I don't know if this is the answer to my troubles.  I do know that since I've been eating like this I feel better, I'm losing weight without counting calories and my skin looks healthier.  Maybe this will help me reach my goal and figure out maintenance, and maybe it won't.  Maybe it's just another loop on the weight loss/gain roller coaster I've been riding for way too long.  Whatever it is, it's healthy (no harmful diet here or severe restriction of calories) and it's worth a shot.  It's also good for my family, while I'm not forcing them along on this journey with me, they see me making healthy choices and turn we started buying more healthy and organic ingredients.  

It's not about being a size 0.  It's not about body bashing (mine or anyone's).  I'm grateful for my body and my health at any size.  It's about being healthier and stronger and leaner than I am now, it's about respecting my body and finding my confidence again.  For me, I'm not there and I need to find it.

So, I guess I'm not ready to let it go after all, because I don't want to hide behind anyone or anything anymore.

Sledding

It wouldn't be winter in New England without sledding, snow angels and hot cocoa!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year friends near and far! Hoping your 2014 is full of love, belly laughs, achievements and wonder!