Screaming Banshee

http://youtu.be/9gRLR3W8Ons

So, I'm thinking of being a Screaming Banshee for Halloween this year. Why not? It seems I've been auditioning for the role all year anyway. I feel like I have at least one screaming fit a day lately and I absolutely hate it. I've tried everything I can think of, I repeat myself, I count to three, I speak in a whisper (trying to trick them into listening), I even make tasks and to dos into songs. We have "holding hands in the parking lot", "clean up", "brushing teeth" and even impromptu songs made up in the moment - most recently one about not licking the oven door. In the end though, it seems the only true way I can get Loretta (typically) but sometimes Caroline too to listen and respond is if I scream at them at the top of my lungs.

Apparently I'm not taken seriously unless my voice is an octave higher, my eyes are popping out of my head and the veins in my neck are bulging. It's not pretty. I don't want to be this person, I DON'T want to be this mom. By time I get them into bed at night I'm so tired of the shenanigans that the third request for a glass of water almost puts me into a rage. Every single night I go to bed reminding myself how lucky I am to have such wonderfully spirited children, to enjoy this time because it's so fleeting, to find the humor in their mischief and to be patient and for the most part I do, I AM. They bring me so much happiness and laughter and I just want to tickle and hug them and make them laugh so I can hear the sound of their sweet giggles. But at some point during the day, each and every day, I reach my limit and suddenly their antics are no longer cute or clever, they are downright antagonistic and disrespectful and then the Screaming Banshee Mom rears her ugly head.

I haven't been able to pinpoint when or what drives me over that ledge. Is it just the exhaustion of the day, or that my daily quota of patience has slipped away? Regardless of the why, if I can't identify the catalyst for my internal Banshee and redirect my own behavior accordingly, than how can I expect my children too?

Sam is 1 year old!

I absolutely adore this little man. He’s so awesome. He’s my snuggle monkey, my wrestling partner, my sunshine and giggles. He squeals like a little girl (thanks to his two big sisters) and vroom’s his cars constantly. He bobs his head when dancing and loves to sneak up the stairs and call for me, in hopes that I’ll chase him down the hallway and tickle him senseless. He plays chase with the girls and when we are up early together in the morning and the girls come staggering down the stairs in their sleepiness he lights up like a sunrise when he sees them, as they do in return. When John comes home from work he’s just as eager as the girls to rush up and meet him at the door giving him hugs and love. He is a complete sweetheart and my heart swells with love for him. Seriously, these days my heart is so full for my family, that my chest almost feels too small to contain it.

I can’t even imagine our life without this little guy. It’s like he’s been with us forever, in the wings, watching and waiting to complete our family.

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Three years ago today we welcomed Caroline Louise into our world, our hearts and our family and we have never been the same. What an amazing gift she is to us. In much the same way that Loretta astounds us with her physical abilities, Caroline blows us away with her intellectual and emotional capacity to understand, empathize and love. She is an old soul with a clever mischievous side. She’s our comedian, our peace keeper, our negotiator and our pride and joy. She’s thoughtful, giving, stubborn and smart as a whip. She’s easy going and resilient, and in many ways a typical three year old, but she’s no push over. She speaks her mind and will tell you when she’s been wronged with a calm maturity and a sense of self that puts adults (like me) to shame. When she misbehaves, she is truly ashamed of herself, when she apologizes for her actions she is truly sorry. And although "I love you" flies freely and regularly in our home, she's often the initiator. I’m beginning to see just how much my three year old has to teach about life, love and playing fair and I’m humbly looking forward to every single lesson.

Sam is 9 Months!

Sam is getting so big, well not really, but he's growing and changing and I LOVE it. He's now 9 months old. He's 25% in weight, 50% in height and 75% in head circumference. He's tracking a lot like Caroline in that he's actually on the chart and he seems like such a peanut to me. But, he's crawling like a demon, well actually more like Curious George with one leg always bent under, and pulling up on everything and anything. He's got so much to say, and says so with authority and conviction (a lot of that at our house) but as far as real words go, he says something akin to Ma, all done, and La. And only Ma, when really ticked off ;).

He doesn't like to be separated from his sisters, so whenever they are upstairs and we are down (usually early morning or when the girls are napping and he's not) he tends to crawl to the steps and call up for them. He's determined and stubborn and wonderfully mischievous (already!). I'm absolutely crazy about him, his serious little expressions, his quick smile, his deep chuckle. We're all in love with our little man.

One funny Caroline'ism: I showed the kids our wedding video and before the first kiss Caroline asked, "Mommy, when are you going to get married and dance at your castle?". Because, of course, every bride is a princess and every princess has a castle :)

And lastly, I AM turning into my mother :). The other day I was describing something to John, something I had been contemplating for a few days and I actually said "So, I've been thinking in my head...". OMG!!!

Happy Birthday Loretta!

I love this picture of Loretta. It's encompasses her nature perfectly. Loretta is such a bundle of energy. She's like a meteorite streaking through the sky from the second she wakes up in the morning until she literally crashes on to her pillow at night. She waves her emotions (which can change by the second) proudly like a flag. She lives every moment to the fullest, absorbing it, relishing it, all while asking what we'll be doing next, tomorrow, the day after.

For Loretta, every feeling is amplified and every moment is centered on her. And just when you think that she truly believes the world revolves around her, she'll knock you off your feet with the most thoughtful insight or considerate action. She is strong and athletic and knows her mind. She pushes and tests her understanding of the world and her place in it daily, and in that way she is both wonderfully consistent and exhausting. She laughs with her whole self, dances without music, cries without shame, lies straight faced, and loves with abandon. She is such a joy to us.

Happy 5th Birthday Loretta!

Growing My Roots

All around me is the bloom of new beginnings. The flowering buds on the trees, the tulips in the yard, the lime green baby grass sprouting up. Sammy is crawling, Caroline is in a big girl bed with no paci, John has a new job with great career potential, Loretta is in T-ball.

In some ways watching those around me grow is making me feel happy and proud. I know that my kids achievements are their own and I find immense enjoyment in them, for them. But, for me, I feel like my personal growth has stunted.

My career is officially stagnant and I’m restless and frustrated. Work wise, I’m having a Groundhog Day experience. After 6 years of the same types of project work I’m having the exact same conversations and challenges I did years ago but now it simply lacks originality. I find that comic strips like Dilbert and movies like Office Space are a surprisingly accurate depiction of my work life and while at one time I found that amusing now it’s just sad.

I was beginning to think maybe the issue was that I’m not getting enough fulfillment at work, and that is AN issue, but perhaps not THE issue. I think it’s time I look elsewhere for my fulfillment. Twelve years ago, when I was a social worker, it made sense to seek that through my work. The value I brought was evident in the reconciliation of families, the adoption of children, the last wishes of a patient. But decisions I made back then (which I don’t regret) have changed me. Time changes all of us; our priorities change and we recognize that where we bring the most value, where we get the most fulfillment may actually be at home and from our family. I may not be significantly touching lives through my work, but I am at home. My job allows me to give my children a roof over their head, healthy meals, health insurance, pre-k, gymnastics, swim, and sports. I’m helping them bloom and in doing so, while I may not feel like I’m blooming myself, I realize that I’m growing my family’s roots and I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than that.

Quick Update

There is so much to update everyone on. Sammy is officially crawling! He hasn't actually made it out of the family room yet, but time to start baby proofing. He is the loudest little man too. If he is awake he is making noise. Luckily he's moved on from moaning constantly to at least occasionally throwing in a "ba ba" and other more enjoyable sounds. He still has the cutest smile you'll ever see and I adore him to no end.

John has a job offer on the line and they are just working through the details. It's one he is extremely excited about and I'm thrilled for him. I'm officially back on weight watchers and my efforts have been rewarded. I'm down a pant size which is huge b/c my clothes get progressively more stylish as I move closer to my normal size.

Loretta and Caroline continue in their attempt at being the poster children for sibling rivalry, bickering and fighting over every possible thing. Just the other day I pulled Caroline's ponytail in an effort to show her what it's like and why dogs don't like having their tails pulled. Loretta immediately came over and insisted I pull her hair too. The competitiveness coming from miss L is beyond ridiculous. But, both girls continue to amaze us with their wittiness and clever brains so we've decided to keep them on for another year. We'll reconsider if we want to re-up them next April.

Lot's of love to everyone and an extra wink and hug to my dad who got some great news today. Sammy will be bouncing on that knee of yours in just a few short weeks! We can't wait to see you all! I'll close with a bit of picture commentary.

The Easter Bunny was kind enough to leave Sammy a wiffle ball

since the chocolate bunny was out of the question.


Loretta has decided that this is the proper "cute" pose for pictures.

YES! I HAVE PROOF, THE GIRLS SHARING...WILLINGLY!!!

Super sunny Easter morning.

Easter Egg Hunt!

Those tricky Easter eggs were hidden everywhere!

Luckily we had a gorgeous day to search for them.

Ah, our little negotiator. She recently woke up one morning and

assured me if I let her have one big bite of her chocolate

Easter bunny that she would eat a very good breakfast.

Sam found an Easter egg!

I'm pretty sure John wanted that egg for himself.

Family photo opt!

I can't stop kissing him.

Sam is TROUBLE

Doesn't look 4 does she? More TROUBLE

Caroline was still snoozing so Loretta, Sam and I spent some time at a playground near the house.

A little swing action.

This is the girls "Taylor Swiff" hair.

They beg to sleep with their hair in braids after bath then

spend the next day breaking their necks trying to flip it around.

More later!