Second Glances

This past week I decided it was time to pull out some of my old clothes. It probably had something to do with the fact that my jeans were falling down all weekend long and I felt like a fool hiking them up over and over. So, I dug through the closet and pulled out a few of my old work slacks. My lovely Anne Taylor size 4’s that I haven’t fit into in at least 2 of my children’s life spans. I held my breath (not to suck in my stomach as much as to make a wish), said a little prayer and pulled them on. My first indication that this might result in a positive experience was that I easily got them up and over my thighs. Then the big test, button and zip…THEY FIT!!! It was thrilling to be back in my “good clothes”. I rarely spent money on nicer brands when I was in larger sizes b/c for some reason it felt like I was accepting that I would remain there. So, I’ve been living off Target clothes (which I love, don’t get me wrong), primarily for the last 5-6 years as I literally gained, lost, gained, lost, gained and lost again a total of about 180lbs.


Now, I admit I had begun to swim in my other clothes. Not terribly, mind you, I wasn’t dressing like a bag lady or wearing muumuus to work, but truth be told my pants were baggy and sagging a little, my shirts far from form fitting. So this week, my first week of wearing my old clothes, surprised me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I’ve gotten second glances all week. Not gross leering glances, but rather subtle appreciative double takes and I have to say it feels pretty damn good! I’m aware of my own changes enough to recognize it’s not only the way I wear my wonderful old clothes, it has as much to do with my attitude and confidence. I promised myself that once I was finished having babies I would reclaim my body and I have. It’s not perfect, I’ve had three c-sections for the love of God! But I’m so very proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish.

I made another promise too. I promised when I finally got to this point I would be happy with myself. I look back at pictures of me in high school and cringe because I had a wonderful physique and the entire time I hated it, wishing for more here, less there. No, my body isn’t perfect, and while I'm happy...I’m not settling in here either.

Meaghan blogged awhile ago about how the body she had obtained hadn't exactly measured up to the body she imagined she would have after accomplishing her fitness goals and I can completely and totally relate.  So, I’m going to keep trying to lose a couple more pounds, firm and tone here and there, but mostly my goals are more centered around accomplishing activities. I hope to run several road races this year, there's my much anticipated rugged maniac and maybe even a triathlon. However, my focus has moved away from the number on the scale and on to these upcoming events and it feels wonderful having the confidence that I can physically do them. I’m strong enough. I’m fit enough. I’m enough.