Since When am I Afraid?

Fear is not a feeling that I encounter often, fortunately.  Here and there, like when we lost Sam in a store and found him again mere minutes later about 15 aisles down, but what I felt in those few minutes was so much more than fear.  It was a horribly unpleasant and painful combination of sheer terror and desperation.

But otherwise I rarely experience fear or a significant amount of self doubt (since about middle school anyway).  I jumped into the rugged maniac head first (and nearly landed on my face a couple of times).  I'll take Zumba and shake my money maker (which would probably only bring in pennies on the dollar) or any class you can throw at me.  I'm not afraid of public speaking, heights or close spaces. 

Lately though I've realized there is something that is bringing me a twinge of fear.  I've put myself out there, so to speak, and in the process have made myself vulnerable.  For the first time in a long time I'm out of my element and nervously worrying my fingers and wondering what "they'll" think of me.  I'm hopeful and anxious, but at the same time trying to keep that hopefulness tethered to reasonable expectations. 

I'm not exactly ready to share with you what  has me feeling this way, I need to give it some time to marinate.  But, maybe send some good karma my way.  I could use the extra positive vibes during this, completely outside of my control-wait and see, reality I've put myself in. 

The Potential of Love

borrowed from panathinaeos.wordpress.com

I will never miss the days when I was so ready to get married and start a family with someone I loved and of course someone who would love me back, beyond all reason.  Those were tough days of wishing and hoping and doubting if it will ever happen.  And when I did find the person I thought was "the one" there was that lag time between when I knew he was the one, but he wasn't moving as fast as I wanted to.  Wondering if I'd made a mistake, if the time we'd spent together was, while wonderful, time lost to finding the right someone I would share the rest of my life with.  Afraid I'd been barking up the wrong tree, and I realize in that metaphor I'm the impatiently barking dog and John's the stubborn unmoving tree, but if the shoe fits....


I wouldn't change where my life has brought me for anything.  But, there is a small part of me that will miss never again experiencing that first, maybe, real potential here, exciting and nervous and anxious and heart stuttering first moments of falling in love.