Spinning

We are so very busy these days, but they are very happy days. Loretta has learned to ride a 2 wheel bike and Caroline has advanced from Trike to training wheels too. Sam never stops. From the moment he's awake until he crashes at night he is on the move and the boy can groove when he's not spinning himself into oblivion. Even John is spinning as he eats up the highway between home and work everyday. I'm running again and have tried and fallen in love with Zumba. I know we can't maintain this crazy schedule forever, but as long as the days fly by like they are it will be Christmas and time to head home to see the family in the blink of an eye.

Here are a few more pictures. Enjoy and love to all!

Screaming Banshee

http://youtu.be/9gRLR3W8Ons

So, I'm thinking of being a Screaming Banshee for Halloween this year. Why not? It seems I've been auditioning for the role all year anyway. I feel like I have at least one screaming fit a day lately and I absolutely hate it. I've tried everything I can think of, I repeat myself, I count to three, I speak in a whisper (trying to trick them into listening), I even make tasks and to dos into songs. We have "holding hands in the parking lot", "clean up", "brushing teeth" and even impromptu songs made up in the moment - most recently one about not licking the oven door. In the end though, it seems the only true way I can get Loretta (typically) but sometimes Caroline too to listen and respond is if I scream at them at the top of my lungs.

Apparently I'm not taken seriously unless my voice is an octave higher, my eyes are popping out of my head and the veins in my neck are bulging. It's not pretty. I don't want to be this person, I DON'T want to be this mom. By time I get them into bed at night I'm so tired of the shenanigans that the third request for a glass of water almost puts me into a rage. Every single night I go to bed reminding myself how lucky I am to have such wonderfully spirited children, to enjoy this time because it's so fleeting, to find the humor in their mischief and to be patient and for the most part I do, I AM. They bring me so much happiness and laughter and I just want to tickle and hug them and make them laugh so I can hear the sound of their sweet giggles. But at some point during the day, each and every day, I reach my limit and suddenly their antics are no longer cute or clever, they are downright antagonistic and disrespectful and then the Screaming Banshee Mom rears her ugly head.

I haven't been able to pinpoint when or what drives me over that ledge. Is it just the exhaustion of the day, or that my daily quota of patience has slipped away? Regardless of the why, if I can't identify the catalyst for my internal Banshee and redirect my own behavior accordingly, than how can I expect my children too?

Sam is 1 year old!

I absolutely adore this little man. He’s so awesome. He’s my snuggle monkey, my wrestling partner, my sunshine and giggles. He squeals like a little girl (thanks to his two big sisters) and vroom’s his cars constantly. He bobs his head when dancing and loves to sneak up the stairs and call for me, in hopes that I’ll chase him down the hallway and tickle him senseless. He plays chase with the girls and when we are up early together in the morning and the girls come staggering down the stairs in their sleepiness he lights up like a sunrise when he sees them, as they do in return. When John comes home from work he’s just as eager as the girls to rush up and meet him at the door giving him hugs and love. He is a complete sweetheart and my heart swells with love for him. Seriously, these days my heart is so full for my family, that my chest almost feels too small to contain it.

I can’t even imagine our life without this little guy. It’s like he’s been with us forever, in the wings, watching and waiting to complete our family.

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Three years ago today we welcomed Caroline Louise into our world, our hearts and our family and we have never been the same. What an amazing gift she is to us. In much the same way that Loretta astounds us with her physical abilities, Caroline blows us away with her intellectual and emotional capacity to understand, empathize and love. She is an old soul with a clever mischievous side. She’s our comedian, our peace keeper, our negotiator and our pride and joy. She’s thoughtful, giving, stubborn and smart as a whip. She’s easy going and resilient, and in many ways a typical three year old, but she’s no push over. She speaks her mind and will tell you when she’s been wronged with a calm maturity and a sense of self that puts adults (like me) to shame. When she misbehaves, she is truly ashamed of herself, when she apologizes for her actions she is truly sorry. And although "I love you" flies freely and regularly in our home, she's often the initiator. I’m beginning to see just how much my three year old has to teach about life, love and playing fair and I’m humbly looking forward to every single lesson.

Sam is 9 Months!

Sam is getting so big, well not really, but he's growing and changing and I LOVE it. He's now 9 months old. He's 25% in weight, 50% in height and 75% in head circumference. He's tracking a lot like Caroline in that he's actually on the chart and he seems like such a peanut to me. But, he's crawling like a demon, well actually more like Curious George with one leg always bent under, and pulling up on everything and anything. He's got so much to say, and says so with authority and conviction (a lot of that at our house) but as far as real words go, he says something akin to Ma, all done, and La. And only Ma, when really ticked off ;).

He doesn't like to be separated from his sisters, so whenever they are upstairs and we are down (usually early morning or when the girls are napping and he's not) he tends to crawl to the steps and call up for them. He's determined and stubborn and wonderfully mischievous (already!). I'm absolutely crazy about him, his serious little expressions, his quick smile, his deep chuckle. We're all in love with our little man.

One funny Caroline'ism: I showed the kids our wedding video and before the first kiss Caroline asked, "Mommy, when are you going to get married and dance at your castle?". Because, of course, every bride is a princess and every princess has a castle :)

And lastly, I AM turning into my mother :). The other day I was describing something to John, something I had been contemplating for a few days and I actually said "So, I've been thinking in my head...". OMG!!!

Happy Birthday Loretta!

I love this picture of Loretta. It's encompasses her nature perfectly. Loretta is such a bundle of energy. She's like a meteorite streaking through the sky from the second she wakes up in the morning until she literally crashes on to her pillow at night. She waves her emotions (which can change by the second) proudly like a flag. She lives every moment to the fullest, absorbing it, relishing it, all while asking what we'll be doing next, tomorrow, the day after.

For Loretta, every feeling is amplified and every moment is centered on her. And just when you think that she truly believes the world revolves around her, she'll knock you off your feet with the most thoughtful insight or considerate action. She is strong and athletic and knows her mind. She pushes and tests her understanding of the world and her place in it daily, and in that way she is both wonderfully consistent and exhausting. She laughs with her whole self, dances without music, cries without shame, lies straight faced, and loves with abandon. She is such a joy to us.

Happy 5th Birthday Loretta!

Growing My Roots

All around me is the bloom of new beginnings. The flowering buds on the trees, the tulips in the yard, the lime green baby grass sprouting up. Sammy is crawling, Caroline is in a big girl bed with no paci, John has a new job with great career potential, Loretta is in T-ball.

In some ways watching those around me grow is making me feel happy and proud. I know that my kids achievements are their own and I find immense enjoyment in them, for them. But, for me, I feel like my personal growth has stunted.

My career is officially stagnant and I’m restless and frustrated. Work wise, I’m having a Groundhog Day experience. After 6 years of the same types of project work I’m having the exact same conversations and challenges I did years ago but now it simply lacks originality. I find that comic strips like Dilbert and movies like Office Space are a surprisingly accurate depiction of my work life and while at one time I found that amusing now it’s just sad.

I was beginning to think maybe the issue was that I’m not getting enough fulfillment at work, and that is AN issue, but perhaps not THE issue. I think it’s time I look elsewhere for my fulfillment. Twelve years ago, when I was a social worker, it made sense to seek that through my work. The value I brought was evident in the reconciliation of families, the adoption of children, the last wishes of a patient. But decisions I made back then (which I don’t regret) have changed me. Time changes all of us; our priorities change and we recognize that where we bring the most value, where we get the most fulfillment may actually be at home and from our family. I may not be significantly touching lives through my work, but I am at home. My job allows me to give my children a roof over their head, healthy meals, health insurance, pre-k, gymnastics, swim, and sports. I’m helping them bloom and in doing so, while I may not feel like I’m blooming myself, I realize that I’m growing my family’s roots and I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than that.

Quick Update

There is so much to update everyone on. Sammy is officially crawling! He hasn't actually made it out of the family room yet, but time to start baby proofing. He is the loudest little man too. If he is awake he is making noise. Luckily he's moved on from moaning constantly to at least occasionally throwing in a "ba ba" and other more enjoyable sounds. He still has the cutest smile you'll ever see and I adore him to no end.

John has a job offer on the line and they are just working through the details. It's one he is extremely excited about and I'm thrilled for him. I'm officially back on weight watchers and my efforts have been rewarded. I'm down a pant size which is huge b/c my clothes get progressively more stylish as I move closer to my normal size.

Loretta and Caroline continue in their attempt at being the poster children for sibling rivalry, bickering and fighting over every possible thing. Just the other day I pulled Caroline's ponytail in an effort to show her what it's like and why dogs don't like having their tails pulled. Loretta immediately came over and insisted I pull her hair too. The competitiveness coming from miss L is beyond ridiculous. But, both girls continue to amaze us with their wittiness and clever brains so we've decided to keep them on for another year. We'll reconsider if we want to re-up them next April.

Lot's of love to everyone and an extra wink and hug to my dad who got some great news today. Sammy will be bouncing on that knee of yours in just a few short weeks! We can't wait to see you all! I'll close with a bit of picture commentary.

The Easter Bunny was kind enough to leave Sammy a wiffle ball

since the chocolate bunny was out of the question.


Loretta has decided that this is the proper "cute" pose for pictures.

YES! I HAVE PROOF, THE GIRLS SHARING...WILLINGLY!!!

Super sunny Easter morning.

Easter Egg Hunt!

Those tricky Easter eggs were hidden everywhere!

Luckily we had a gorgeous day to search for them.

Ah, our little negotiator. She recently woke up one morning and

assured me if I let her have one big bite of her chocolate

Easter bunny that she would eat a very good breakfast.

Sam found an Easter egg!

I'm pretty sure John wanted that egg for himself.

Family photo opt!

I can't stop kissing him.

Sam is TROUBLE

Doesn't look 4 does she? More TROUBLE

Caroline was still snoozing so Loretta, Sam and I spent some time at a playground near the house.

A little swing action.

This is the girls "Taylor Swiff" hair.

They beg to sleep with their hair in braids after bath then

spend the next day breaking their necks trying to flip it around.

More later!

Happy Easter!

We kicked off our Easter celebration in the usual way this past weekend by sharing a pancake breakfast with the Easter Bunny and the family. Caroline is still a little leery of the big guy but in the end she gave him a high five so all was good. Both girls were so proud of their beautiful fancy dresses from Grandma and later when I asked the girls what their favorite part of the day was Caroline said it was wearing her fancy dress and eating breakfast with the Easter Bunny, so basically the dress got higher weighting than the Bunny!

Later, I took the girls to swim class and Caroline had her first official parent free class! She's ready for the next swim level up and that means mommy and daddy can watch from the side of the pool drinking a coffee. Sometimes it's the little things that mean so much! And look how proud she is!

Loretta is kicking butt as a starfish these days.

The worst flooding in over 50 years or some craziness. We need a boat to get the mail.

I just couldn't decide which one of these I liked better so I had to share both!





That's all for now, but more to come.

I'm sure I'll have some egg dying pics to share shortly. Love to all!

The Wall

I think I’ve finally hit the wall. I’ve seen it looming in the distance for months and months extending out in both directions as far as the eye can see. At first I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to figure out a less painful way to traverse around it (vs. climbing the monster), maybe a shortcut or ramp or something, but there isn’t an easier way. Once I thought I had hit it, but I was only kidding myself. I was still too full of excuses and running on empty where motivation and willpower were concerned. And sleep, precious sleep.

As I get closer the wall seems to get taller, towering over me. It’s taunting me, telling me to give up, that I don’t have a chance. I know better though, I’ve been here before, clambered up this same wall a time or two. I look up and it seems to go on endlessly. Any hopes that it will have steps or at least crevices to grab hold to are dashed. It’s a slick wall, straight up, and it’s going to take a ton of sweat, determination, and a lot of time to climb it. I’m sure I’ll slip a few times and come sliding back down. I can only hope that I grab back on quickly and start climbing again to reduce the damage to my momentum. That I don’t crash back down to the ground and give up all together . What’s on the other side you ask? My normal, pre-pregnancy body is on the other side of that wall. It’s the body that I’m NOT ashamed of when I see its reflection. The body that is strong and healthy.

It’s time to reclaim my body.

Cutting Teeth, Growing Up & Pushing Boundaries

That about sums it up! Sammy cut his two bottom teeth yesterday. On John's watch I might add. All praise infant Motrin! Loretta is suddenly seeming like such a big girl, holding real conversations and grasping some fairly complex ideas. Caroline has started testing our limits and her power. She's like something out of a sci-fi movie, sending out exploratory blasts in every direction in hopes of finding a weakness in our protective shields. But all is well in our world.

Enjoy!

BitterSweet Modern Mommyhood

When I was a little girl and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my most common answer was a Mom. Sure sometimes I fantasized about being a movie star and then I thought being a teacher would be cool b/c I could work with kids and still get summer vacation. But, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be the one making the lunches and leaving little notes to my kids in their lunchboxes, meeting the bus, taking the kids to gymnastics or dance or whatever, baking the birthday cakes and making each holiday special. I fantasized about taking the kids to well check ups and sick visits and story time at the library. What I couldn’t have understood then was how hard it would turn out to be the kind of mom I wanted to be while working full time.

I did envision a husband who was a great dad. One who wasn’t afraid to change a diaper and who would rough house on the floor. One who wouldn’t yell at the kids if they turned the hose on him on a warm summer day. One who would play catch in the back yard until it was too dark to see the ball. One that would take them for hikes and bike rides and swimming in a lake – of course I’m always a part of this too. I didn’t want to hang back at the house doing chores while the kids were “out from under my feet”. Dishes can wait until the kids are asleep, but an after dinner walk on a warm night searching for lightening bugs can only happen so many times a year (especially up here).

Early on, I have to admit, I had it so great. I worked reduced hours (although still considered full time) and had Fridays off. I got to take Loretta to gymnastic and both girls to the sprinkler park and zoo. Places that are almost unbearably busy on weekends, we got to enjoy on a quiet weekday. John and I decided early on that we would arrange to have the kids out of daycare more days than in daycare and after all this time we’ve managed to maintain that. John would keep the kids one day a week and I would keep them home on Fridays. It seemed like the perfect balance. We were equally involved in parenting in a way that many couples don’t get to experience. Our kids know, without a doubt, that their dad can meet all of their needs. He can dress them up and put their hair in ballerina ponytails, soothe and bandage their boo boos, everything and anything they need.

Shortly after Caroline was born it became clear that I needed to return to work full time so we could get my full salary and the scale began to tip. John began keeping the kids twice a week (on top of his 55 – 60 hour work week) so that we could maintain “the more out then in” daycare goal. John began taking Loretta to gymnastics. I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who is an amazing father. He is not only willing to do these things with the girls but genuinely enjoys it. But, I can’t help but feel left out. I’m the one I always imaged doing these things and I hate the idea of missing an opportunity to cheer them on or impart an “as long as you try your best” lesson here and there.

Please don’t read this as I wish I were a full time stay at home mom. I definitely do not. I firmly believe that having this adult outlet is good for me and in turn makes me a better mom to my children. I enjoy having the opportunity to excel in the workforce and build relationships away from my family. I think it centers me and also helps me keep some sort of perspective. There is also a sense of pride in contributing to my family's overall financial health in a very meaningful way. However, somewhere along the way my work/life balance scale took a dip in the wrong direction and I haven’t been able to right it.

This week John begins parent/child gymnastics with Caroline and they are both so looking forward to it. If I’m being totally honest here I have to admit I’m equally grateful and bitter. I’m grateful that John is able to take her and I know how much she’ll enjoy it. I’m bitter that while she’s balancing on that beam or hanging from the uneven bar with John spotting her that I’ll be in meeting 3 of 6 for the day trying to concentrate, knowing that I would rather be at the Y with my girl watching her with that determined little “I WILL DO THIS” look on her face.

Who knows what the future may bring. John could find his dream job, I could go back to reduced hours. Those things are not interdependent after all. The scale could balance again. I hope so. I’m optimistic that it will all work out for the best. It’s unacceptable to me to be the parent that misses the school play or concert recital because of work. It’s unacceptable to me to miss the softball, soccer games and swim meets. I consider these things to be what life is all about. These are moments to treasure, the ones that are fleeting. These are the times that we are warned about again and again by well meaning friends, family and strangers, being over in the blink of an eye and I DON’T want to get the play by play after the fact. I intend to cheer and comfort and laugh and experience the moments in real time. I intend to be there… period.

Little Man

Oh our Little Man. That's what the girls and I call him. Just this morning Loretta was squealing "Good morning Little Man!" and last night Caroline was saying, "Do you want your paci Little Man?". We are all so infatuated with him. Even when he's sick and congested he's just so happy and smiley. Although, he has already grown weary of the camera, you should have heard how hard I had him chuckling before I got the camera out and the jig was up.

It's amazing to me, after Caroline was born I knew that I would be content if we didn't have any more children and I'm sure I would have been. The girls bring us joy beyond measure. But, I didn't have this wonderful sense of completeness that I have now that we have Sammy. I didn't realize it then, but something was missing. We weren't quite whole. I wonder if Sammy will ever understand how much he is loved and cherished. Will he ever know that he is equally integral and essential to our family?

Reading to Baby

Reality Slap

I think life has a wonderful and potent way of giving us reality checks when we least expect it. Sometimes those checks are subtle in nature, sometimes more a slap in the face.

This morning I was frustrated and impatient. We took the kids ice skating (their first time) yesterday and near the outdoor rink is a playground covered in mud. We let the kids play once they had had their fill of spills on the ice. When we got home their boots were covered in mud and we put them on the plastic mat to dry out and then promptly forgot about them. This morning I told the girls to get their boots and jackets on while I got Sammy in his car seat. When I looked up I saw with dismay that the running, giggling girls had tracked the clumps of dried mud all over the house. Then to top things off when I was buckling Loretta into her seat, Caroline put her boots on me (for the 100th time) but this time getting mud (now wet with the snow) all over my work pants.

Let's just say I wasn't as cool and collected as I would have liked. More like "Mommy gone postal". I dropped the kids off and then proceeded to fume about it the rest of the way to work. Not just the muddied pants, but the stress of getting all three kids out the door alone on the mornings John opens and how I never seem to rise to the occasion, but rather fall into psycho mom, screaming like a banshee.

So, I arrive at work and boot up my laptop 15 minutes late and there it is. I saw the first few words and knew I didn't want to continue. "It's with sadness that I write to you this morning..." The dreaded email which we knew would come sooner or later. A work colleague's wife passed away this past weekend after a courageous battle with cancer. She was 39 and she and my work friend have two daughters, 6 and 4. His wife had their second just before I had Loretta and we were working on the same project at the time. We had built a camaraderie over the shared experience but, unfortunately, when he relocated we lost that daily opportunity to share the ups, downs and humorous parts of our personal lives.

I've been teary eyed all day thinking about those girls. Feeling uncomfortably grateful that she learned about her diagnosis 18 months ago and had time to leave them memories, videos and notes to open later...after...

Not a very subtle reminder of how lucky I am. I've got it pretty damn good.

From a song I can't get enough of lately. 'I'm Alive' by Kenny Chesney with Dave Matthews:

And today you know that’s good enough for me

Breathin' in and outs a blessing can’t you see

Today's the first day of the rest of my life

And I’m alive, and well

I’m alive, and well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B56UjiLuWkk