BitterSweet Modern Mommyhood

When I was a little girl and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my most common answer was a Mom. Sure sometimes I fantasized about being a movie star and then I thought being a teacher would be cool b/c I could work with kids and still get summer vacation. But, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be the one making the lunches and leaving little notes to my kids in their lunchboxes, meeting the bus, taking the kids to gymnastics or dance or whatever, baking the birthday cakes and making each holiday special. I fantasized about taking the kids to well check ups and sick visits and story time at the library. What I couldn’t have understood then was how hard it would turn out to be the kind of mom I wanted to be while working full time.

I did envision a husband who was a great dad. One who wasn’t afraid to change a diaper and who would rough house on the floor. One who wouldn’t yell at the kids if they turned the hose on him on a warm summer day. One who would play catch in the back yard until it was too dark to see the ball. One that would take them for hikes and bike rides and swimming in a lake – of course I’m always a part of this too. I didn’t want to hang back at the house doing chores while the kids were “out from under my feet”. Dishes can wait until the kids are asleep, but an after dinner walk on a warm night searching for lightening bugs can only happen so many times a year (especially up here).

Early on, I have to admit, I had it so great. I worked reduced hours (although still considered full time) and had Fridays off. I got to take Loretta to gymnastic and both girls to the sprinkler park and zoo. Places that are almost unbearably busy on weekends, we got to enjoy on a quiet weekday. John and I decided early on that we would arrange to have the kids out of daycare more days than in daycare and after all this time we’ve managed to maintain that. John would keep the kids one day a week and I would keep them home on Fridays. It seemed like the perfect balance. We were equally involved in parenting in a way that many couples don’t get to experience. Our kids know, without a doubt, that their dad can meet all of their needs. He can dress them up and put their hair in ballerina ponytails, soothe and bandage their boo boos, everything and anything they need.

Shortly after Caroline was born it became clear that I needed to return to work full time so we could get my full salary and the scale began to tip. John began keeping the kids twice a week (on top of his 55 – 60 hour work week) so that we could maintain “the more out then in” daycare goal. John began taking Loretta to gymnastics. I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who is an amazing father. He is not only willing to do these things with the girls but genuinely enjoys it. But, I can’t help but feel left out. I’m the one I always imaged doing these things and I hate the idea of missing an opportunity to cheer them on or impart an “as long as you try your best” lesson here and there.

Please don’t read this as I wish I were a full time stay at home mom. I definitely do not. I firmly believe that having this adult outlet is good for me and in turn makes me a better mom to my children. I enjoy having the opportunity to excel in the workforce and build relationships away from my family. I think it centers me and also helps me keep some sort of perspective. There is also a sense of pride in contributing to my family's overall financial health in a very meaningful way. However, somewhere along the way my work/life balance scale took a dip in the wrong direction and I haven’t been able to right it.

This week John begins parent/child gymnastics with Caroline and they are both so looking forward to it. If I’m being totally honest here I have to admit I’m equally grateful and bitter. I’m grateful that John is able to take her and I know how much she’ll enjoy it. I’m bitter that while she’s balancing on that beam or hanging from the uneven bar with John spotting her that I’ll be in meeting 3 of 6 for the day trying to concentrate, knowing that I would rather be at the Y with my girl watching her with that determined little “I WILL DO THIS” look on her face.

Who knows what the future may bring. John could find his dream job, I could go back to reduced hours. Those things are not interdependent after all. The scale could balance again. I hope so. I’m optimistic that it will all work out for the best. It’s unacceptable to me to be the parent that misses the school play or concert recital because of work. It’s unacceptable to me to miss the softball, soccer games and swim meets. I consider these things to be what life is all about. These are moments to treasure, the ones that are fleeting. These are the times that we are warned about again and again by well meaning friends, family and strangers, being over in the blink of an eye and I DON’T want to get the play by play after the fact. I intend to cheer and comfort and laugh and experience the moments in real time. I intend to be there… period.